Walking to school, I draped my arm around my son’s shoulders. “At the end of the day, go down to the second-grade classroom and get your sister. Then wait for me on the bench by the side doors. I’ll be about 10 minutes late today.” He nodded, knowing his role in watching his little sister mattered.
Have you ever thought about mattering? It’s a concept I didn’t know much about until recently. It turns out, mattering really impacts a kid’s self-worth and is “a core, universal human need,” according to Dr. Gordon Flett of York University. It means feeling valued and adding value, says Isaac Prilleltensky, a professor at the University of Miami. Here are 3 things you can do this week to increase your kids’ self-worth by making sure they know they matter.
1. Give your kids attention.
I’m sure you tell your kids you love them. You probably play games with them and listen to their school stories. This is great! All the attention you give your child tells her she has value, and she matters.
To take it even further, find more opportunities to convey they have value. Instead of brushing them off while you’re in the middle of something, you could say, “I’m trying to meet a tight deadline, but I want to hear what you have to say.” Then turn and listen for a few minutes. And when you’re not juggling other tasks, spend time doing things with them they enjoy. My friend Ally hates assembling LEGO kits with her daughter, but she does it anyway. This tells her daughter she matters.
After you’ve been apart, let your child know you missed him. Whether you’re reuniting after a long school day, or he’s just popped into the kitchen to look for a snack, notice him. Hey! I’m happy you’re here! It’s an easy way to let your kid know he matters.
Benefit: Kids believe their presence matters to you. They feel irreplaceable.
2. Assign responsibilities to your kids.
Being helpful can make kids feel very useful and good about themselves. Maybe your daughter is the one who walks the dog after school. Without her, it doesn’t seem to get done. Or maybe your son’s dinner time role is to make sure everyone has a napkin. Contributing to the flow of the family’s daily routines establishes a sense of purpose and value in kids.
Insights, an educational publication, says that “service to others is a good exercise in altruism. But it is also good for kids’ own well-being.” Helping the family, or your community, can bolster a kid’s self-esteem because he’s going to feel like what he does matters to other people.
Benefit: Kids believe what they do has value. Mattering to others boosts self-esteem.
3. Appreciate your kids.
One of my kids used to fling tomato sauce on the windows everywhere at mealtime. That child ate with gusto and didn’t always have the best grip on a fork or spoon. But with time, it improved. We can appreciate the effort a child makes even if he or she isn’t always successful. Kids are messy and imperfect. And appreciating them in whatever stage they’re in, along with the messes and emotions they bring, teaches them they matter to you, flaws and all.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace, author of Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic—and What to Do About It, warns that in our culture today, we’re sending the wrong message to our kids: “In order to be valued, you must audition for it, work for it, and keep earning it.” Let’s change that message, starting in our own homes. If she picks up her room without prompting, take note. Thank you for doing that! Also, appreciate him for who he is. You tried hard in swim class. That took a lot of courage.
Benefit: Kids believe they are valued. Their time is valued. They feel uniquely capable and special.
Mattering to others is an important component of self-worth. How do you convey to your kids that they matter?
