“Bye! Love you!” I called to my daughter as she headed down the street to school. Instead of driving home, I put my car in gear and cruised behind her until she reached the soccer field. Because of parking restrictions around the school, she had to walk a short distance and it made me numb with sadness to watch her head off on her own. So, I stalked her.
After a couple months, I stopped trailing her and drove off before she reached the field. But it took a while to realize that letting go gave her confidence. She could do this thing without her mother’s watchful eye on her. It’s hard to witness our babies growing up and away from us, but there are 5 times when letting go of your child will help her grow.
1. When She Has Opinions on Her Personal Style
“I don’t like the word ‘cute,’” my daughter said. “Uh… OK,” I stammered. “You look… cool?” She smiled, pleased. As she’s gotten older, she has defined her personal style as well as limited me on what I can make her wear. As she should.
Kids need to find their voice as they grow, and to do so, they need to develop the confidence to state their opinions. So, step back and don’t micromanage her. If her choices don’t affect her health or safety, then allow her to grow into her own person.
2. When He Picks His Friends Over You
“Go and have fun!” I said. My son gave me a quick hug before opening the front door and running down the walk. We’d had plans to take a bike ride together, but when his buddy texted about seeing a movie, my son’s face gave away his obvious preference. It was a no-brainer for me too. He was old enough to go places without me, and I wanted him to develop more independence anyway.
When your child chooses his friends over you, it’s a normal part of development. Kids are in the process of figuring out who they are apart from you. Letting go of your child and your need to control his every move will give him more autonomy and help him grow.
3. When She Wants Privacy
As tempting as it might be to eavesdrop on her conversation with a friend or take a peek in her journal, don’t do it. As kids grow, they tend to want more privacy, whether it’s while changing clothes or simply wanting to hang out by themselves in their bedrooms. Just keep in mind that text messages and social media are another story. It’s OK to check her phone because you’re keeping her safe and guiding her when needed. And, if your child does anything she shouldn’t, you can remove her phone privileges.
“When teens are given the privacy they need, it helps them become more independent and builds their self-confidence,” says parenting writer Denise Witmer. Respecting her growing need for privacy is important for maintaining a healthy relationship with your child too.
4. When He Wants to Try Something New
“Mom, we tried out different instruments in class today, and I liked the trombone.” My son decided to join the band in fifth grade after years of violin lessons. He had a love-hate relationship with the violin, so I swallowed my own dreams of seeing him following in my footsteps and encouraged him to follow his own dreams. Now in high school, he’s in the marching band, and it’s one of his favorite activities.
Letting go of your child and giving him the freedom to explore new activities, classes, and hobbies will help him grow into his own person and not be a mini-you. Be glad he’s taking initiative! The more encouragement you give to try new things, the closer your child may get to finding what really interests and excites him. And that’s going to help him find his passions in life as he figures out his role in this world.
5. When She Wants to Do Something on Her Own
“You want to do…what?” my friend Carla asked. At 11, Alice wanted to go to sleepaway camp because her friend was going and “there’s horseback riding!” Carla told me she hadn’t even considered such a thing for her daughter but ended up supporting her.
Part of growing up is learning to do things without a parent hovering nearby. So, if your child expresses interest in walking down the street to the store alone, biking to school, or something else without you nearby, consider the safety situation and then think about letting her do it. Knowing you believe in her and trust her will boost her confidence. When she gets back, she may just stand an inch or two taller.
There are so many times in childhood when letting go of your child is hard. From the first day of kindergarten to the first day of driver’s ed, what’s been the hardest part for you so far?
