“It’s a free country,” my teen son said with an air of defiance. I had to take a deep breath. Most of the time, he ends up doing what I ask, but other times—well, he tests my patience. In a weird way, he’s cluing me in to the fact that he’s growing up. But more importantly, he doesn’t want me to parent him like a little kid anymore. Point taken. When they’re only a few short years from graduating from high school, it can be scary for us to give kids more freedom. But it’s necessary.
Freedom for kids in the teen years looks different. And you might not feel comfortable giving it. But to help your child become his own person, able to function as a young adult in the near future, you need to start working on these 7 freedoms now.
1. The Freedom to Disagree With You
A healthy relationship with your teen allows for disagreement. And part of growing up means teens will start forming—and speaking up about—their own opinions. As long as your teen is respectful, Nemours Children’s Health says, “It’s totally normal” to disagree and it’s “what prepares them for adulthood.” So, give kids the freedom to disagree, and model the respect you want them to have. Your teen is paying attention to your example, whether you agree in the end or not.
2. The Freedom to Decide on His School Schedule and Activities
If you’re tempted to push him into something because you think it’ll look good on a college application, don’t. He needs the chance to figure out who he is and what he likes—not who you want him to be. As teens separate from us, they learn more about who they are as individuals. We can offer advice and encourage good decision-making, but ultimately, telling teens that “it’s your call” assures them they have our trust and builds their self-confidence.
3. The Freedom to Have His Own Vision for the Future
In her book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, Julie Lythcott-Haims says, “We haven’t prepared our kids for success in college, work, or life if we haven’t taught them—made them, allowed them—to think.” Where does your teen envision himself in five years? What does he want to do? With your support, he can become the person God wants him to be.
4. The Freedom to Fail
Whether it’s failing an algebra test, or being unable to find a homecoming date, we have to step back and allow our teens’ lives to unfold without constantly interfering. Failing feels uncomfortable, but it has the transformative power to build kids up. Be available to your teen and listen if she wants to talk. Support and encourage her. And then watch that child’s resilience and determination grow.
5. The Freedom to Quit
My son joined a few different clubs his freshman year but ended up quitting one after a few meetings. It wasn’t for him. Giving kids the freedom to quit helps them figure out their strengths and priorities. Of course, if he’s made the basketball team and wants to quit because he’s not getting much playing time, that’s another story. We should encourage him to stick it out and be a good teammate.
6. The Freedom to Do Things on Her Own
There are a few moms I know who continue to chaperone, volunteer, and organize events at their kids’ high school. I wonder if their teenagers mind seeing them everywhere? While it’s great to be involved, it’s also great to give our kids space to socialize without always being around. You don’t need to say yes to all these things. Your kid needs some breathing room. And as our kids get older, we need to give them more of our trust.
7. The Freedom to Spend Time With Friends
When you’re tempted to encourage more studying or practice, think twice. Face-to-face socialization is so important for our kids’ mental health. Learning to balance social time with academics is also something teens need to practice, and that only happens if we give them the freedom to try.
How do you encourage freedom for kids in adolescence?
