On a Friday afternoon, a friend texted me and a few others: “Kate’s in the kids’ theater production of Oz tonight. She’d love to see her friends in the audience! I can sit with your kids if they want to come!” My daughter looked up from her book as I relayed the message. “Um, I don’t really want to go.” My impulse was to push her into it—Kate was a good friend! But I took a breath and held back. “It’s your choice, sweetheart. I know you’re tired.” My daughter nodded, gratitude evident in her eyes.
It can be a struggle knowing the “right” thing to do. We want our kids to be kind, but we also want them to be able to honor their own needs and feelings. We can help with these 7 ways to raise independent thinkers and not people pleasers.
1. Praise independence and choice-making.
If your child likes to pick out her own clothes, be glad—even if that shirt doesn’t match those pants. If your child chooses trombone (even though you hoped he’d pick the violin), praise his decision-making skills.
Independent thinking is “having the confidence” to “have your own views…rather than someone else’s,” according to Utah State University’s Extension program. If you don’t think for yourself, others might try to do it for you—and sometimes we’re the ones guilty of thinking for our kids. If we want them to be their own individual and unique selves and not people pleasers, it’s going to start with biting our tongues sometimes and keeping our opinions to ourselves.
2. Speak the truth with discipline, not how it affects you.
We don’t name-call in this family. It’s wrong. Though I’m tempted to say it makes me sad when my child name-calls, I’m trying to hold back. I want him to learn right from wrong without adding my feelings to the mix. Knowing I’m sad could encourage him to apologize, but it’d only be because he wants to please me. “Kids really understand the difference between right and wrong only when they can think things through for themselves, appreciating why they shouldn’t lie or be mean to one another,” says philosophy professor Katherine Hawley.
To think independently, a child needs to have the courage to do the right thing, even if it doesn’t please someone else.
3. Encourage respectful debate and questioning.
“Why do I have to go to bed now?” my kid asked. I want him to be able to ask questions when he doesn’t understand something, so I explained we had plans the next day and he needed to be rested. As long as kids are respectful, questioning us should be OK. We don’t want our kids to be afraid to speak up, for fear of upsetting us. So, if you don’t want to raise a people pleaser, discipline only if they cross into disrespectful behavior.
4. Forgive them when they mess up.
If you want to know how not to raise a people pleaser, live the value of forgiveness in your home. It’s OK. Everyone messes up on occasion. Forgiveness allows your child to move on without the fear that he’ll lose your love or affection. Withholding forgiveness can entrap your child in people-pleasing tendencies. He might become anxious and sacrifice his own wellbeing just to make you happy. Instead, forgive wholly and unconditionally, so he can learn from your example.
5. Reassure them they’re liked and loved but that not everyone will like or love them. And that’s OK.
“Look, honey,” I said to my daughter. “You can’t please everyone. And not everyone is going to like you. But that’s OK.” Because she’d received two party invitations for the same day, she worried one friend would be mad when she turned her down. But I wanted my child to understand that her choice had value. What would she rather do? Instead of worrying about what everyone else thought, I wanted her to think about her desires too. If kids don’t learn to make decisions for themselves, others will be happy to step in and make decisions for them. Taking care of herself, and knowing her opinions and desires have value, are important lessons to learn.
6. Give them attention so they don’t feel they need to work for it.
“You’re home!” my mom used to cry when I jumped off the school bus. She’d always have a big smile and hug waiting for me. And it made me feel really good. Gravitating toward your child makes her feel valued. Get excited when she comes into a room. Put down your phone and look her in the eye. If she’s too worried about pleasing you, she won’t gain the confidence she needs to become an independent thinker separate from you.
7. Model how to say no.
My kids might not be around when I say no to someone, but I can share the story at dinnertime, and that example can still empower them to do the same in a similar situation. Having good mental health includes being able to take care of your wellbeing. And that might mean setting healthy boundaries. For kids, that might mean saying no to hugs or no to sharing a snack.
What advice to you have for how to not raise a people pleaser?
