“Please. Please. Please.” My daughter walked beside me, one hand on the shopping cart as I pushed. “Please, Mom?” She wanted a Matchbox car. She had it in her free hand, having snatched it in the cereal aisle. “Mom, please?” She paused, long enough for me to grab a bag of coffee. “Please?” Argh. I already had a plastic container of these cars in the basement that she never touched. I scrutinized her sad, pleading face. It was only a dollar…
Being able to make our kids happy is something all moms want to do. And it’s tempting to give in to a quick fix to see them smile. But true happiness isn’t instant gratification. Instead, it’s genuine contentment in life, which comes after years of learning and growing, failing and persisting. If we want our kids to grow up to have true happiness in life, we need to take these 5 tough steps now.
1. Let them be unhappy.
“I’m so mad. My teacher gave us science homework over the weekend,” my son said on the ride home from school. I reached for the car stereo, thinking I could blast some music to cheer him up, but then I paused. Distraction would only put off his unhappiness. “I understand,” I said instead. “You’re upset.” Then I listened some more.
According to child psychologist and author Tovah Klein, if we want to raise happy children, we have to let them be unhappy. “It might sound counter-intuitive, but it’s highly effective,” Klein says. If we constantly distract or try to cheer up our kids, they won’t learn how to manage their emotions. And children who learn how to effectively handle negative emotions will grow up to be more resilient and successful adults.
2. Introduce coping strategies.
“Take a deep breath. It’s gonna be OK.” Give your child a hug or, if she’s calm, ask her to put how she feels into words. Being able to work through unhappy moments will build kids’ inner strength. And coping with disappointment will help them get through and be able to recognize real, true happiness when it comes from hard work, kindness, and gratitude.
A few years from now, she might not get the grade she wants on her high school midterm. But by then, she might’ve learned that talking through her sadness with her mom helps. She might then be able to take the extra steps needed to perform better on the final. Working hard for a good grade takes time and effort. And seeing the fruits of her efforts will lead to a real, deep-seated happiness that a child doesn’t get from a new gadget or bakery treat.
3. Use words to empathize.
When my child’s upset about something, he likes to talk. I’ve realized the best thing I can do is empathize. If I do that, he seems to cool down quicker than if I said nothing at all or tried to give advice.
If your child’s upset that you have to leave the playground, you can say, “I’m sad too that we can’t stay longer” and “I know you had fun.” By showing you understand how your child feels, he learns he’s not alone in his big feelings and it’s OK to feel mad or sad. You’re also not ignoring his feelings but acknowledging and validating them. This develops emotional intelligence and inner strength, two qualities that lead to true happiness as kids grow.
4. Wait it out.
Doesn’t it feel like time stops when your kid has a meltdown? You look at her crying and want to do anything to make it stop, especially if you’re in public. I think we’ve all been there! But trust me when I tell you the negative emotions will eventually pass. It’s hard to wait it out, but it’s better than giving in to instant gratification. No one wants a teenager prone to meltdowns, so it’s better to let her work through her unhappiness now without distracting her with a conversation change.
Though she might think an extra half-hour of TV will make her happy, learning how to respond appropriately to situations that upset her is going to bring true happiness later in life. Having self-control will help her get along better with others, especially when things don’t go the way she wants. Of course, all children are different, and if your child has mental health concerns, you may need to discuss other strategies with a professional.
5. Recap the situation later.
“Remember when you got upset earlier?” I asked my son. “You were upset that you couldn’t keep playing video games. I’m sorry you wanted to finish your battle, but you had to set the table for dinner. And I appreciate that you did that.”
It’s not always going to go smoothly. Sometimes, our kids just wear us down. But remember, letting him be unhappy because he didn’t get the extra TV show or didn’t get to go to the sleepover is OK. By managing and working through his emotions, he’s learning valuable life lessons. This is what’s going to lead to true happiness when he’s grown. You can be proud of yourself for working on these lessons with your child while he’s young.
How do you define true happiness?
