“Listen, sweetie,” I said. My son had tears in his eyes and his lower lip quivered. I wanted to assure him that everything would be OK, but the truth was, I didn’t know. The kid on the playground who tackled him had been reprimanded, and luckily, my son didn’t get hurt. But I didn’t know if this kid would come after him again. “I’m sorry that happened to you,” I said. I wrapped my arms around his stiff, angry body. He took a deep, jagged breath and a second later relaxed, limp and sniffling. I felt my own anger rising and envisioned myself staking out the playground the next day, keeping a watchful eye on my son.
It’s natural to want to solve all our kids’ problems because it’s so hard to see them hurt. But we can’t—and shouldn’t. Supporting our kids and loving them through tough times is important, but if we want our kids to get stronger, there are 8 things moms should not do.
1. Provide all the answers.
You won’t look bad for saying “I don’t know.” In fact, if you tell your child you’ll look up the answer together, you’ll both give her the tools to find answers and also teach her humility. Focus on the Family author Pat Williams writes that when we admit our own mistakes, or acknowledge our imperfection to our kids, their respect for us grows.
2. Resolve every conflict.
If there’s no hitting or extreme putdowns involved, your children should have the opportunity to resolve a conflict without you. Being able to solve problems peacefully is an important social skill. So, give your kids a chance to work on it at home by stepping back.
3. Make excuses for their kids.
“Oh, he’s just tired!” Excuses like this one used to fly out of my mouth. But I’m trying to do better. To learn responsibility, kids need to take ownership of their behavior. Making an excuse for your child gives him permission to do that same thing again. Instead of excusing him, hold your child accountable and be consistent with consequences.
4. Be the entertainment.
“I’m so bored!” my son wailed. But being bored isn’t all that bad. From tots to teens, children stretch their imaginations and build coping skills when they’re bored. Playing with your kids is great, but it’s not something moms should feel they have to do all the time.
5. Be an emotional punching bag.
A child may want to relax and let his defenses down with you, especially after a long day at school. But that doesn’t mean he should act out and treat you disrespectfully. Give your child love and attention but let him know he still needs to obey you and speak in a respectful manner.
6. Sacrifice their health.
When your children see you taking care of yourself (and not just them), they learn they’re not the center of the world. Sacrificing your health is something moms shouldn’t do because it doesn’t help kids learn traits like empathy, generosity, and selflessness. It’s good for them to see you doing a workout video in the living room or taking a nap in the afternoon!
7. Stay up late to tidy the house.
When there’s a sink full of dishes and messy counters at night, I realize I need to assign my kids chores. Clinical psychologist Wendy Mogel says chores matter. They “teach our children family citizenship, self-reliance [and] responsibility.” Teaching your kids to do chores and putting up with the frustration of getting your kids to accept them is beneficial to them in the long run (and to you).
8. Be fake-happy in front of their kids.
Smiling through a difficult situation doesn’t teach kids how to handle emotional hardships. Kids need to see you process your emotions to learn how to do it themselves. So instead of giving an automatic grin the next time something bad happens, talk through it: “I’m really sad about…” Equipping kids with the skills necessary to express emotion gives them the strength they need to handle adversity.
What else goes on the list of things moms should not do?
