My 8-year-old son ran around the playground with Olivia. I can still picture their toothless smiles and hear the wave of their laughter. That night, Olivia’s mother died—completely unexpected. My son and I went to the wake, and I teared up when Olivia hugged him from her front-row pew at the church. The school year continued, but when summer came, little Olivia and her father moved away. Over the next two years, my son’s best friend Chris also moved, and Will’s parents divorced. My son felt the sad ripple effects of these major life events, but of course Olivia, Chris, and Will felt them the most.
Kids experience stress, fear, and trauma in smaller ways too—through separation anxiety, friendship issues, and with common childhood fears. To support our kids’ mental health in childhood and ease some of the heaviness, here are 7 things we can do.
1. Make home your child’s safe place.
After spending all day at school, listening and following directions, my kids are wiped out. But home is where they can let it all hang out. Letting kids know they’re free to be themselves at home without judgment is a gift. They don’t have to be cool. And if they make a mistake, we’ll still love them no matter what. When kids know that they can be vulnerable with their emotions and you’ll support them, they’ll feel more confident in who they are.
2. Practice “good-enough” parenting.
I’ve seen my kids grow frustrated when I’ve pushed them too hard to write neater or swing a baseball bat better. And I’ve realized, in the moment, I’ve crossed that line from cheering them on into expecting perfection. I don’t want to put that sort of pressure on them, so I’m learning to let things be “good enough.”
Tim Cavell, PhD, and Lauren Quetsch, PhD, write in their book Good Enough Parenting that choosing battles wisely and accepting less than perfection will lead to a healthier parent-child relationship. And having that strong bond with your kids is going to support their mental health in childhood and throughout their lives.
3. Be an available and active listener.
My daughter put her hand on mine, lowering my phone. Oops. Being available to our kids and letting them know they’re our priority, makes them feel loved and valued. Our kids want our attention. And it’s a confidence booster when they know we want to spend time with them. Listening with our ears and our eyes tells them we’re interested in their thoughts and interested in them.
4. Encourage them to think for themselves.
Though it’s not always a bad thing to want to please others, we don’t want our kids growing up as people pleasers, always sacrificing their own needs for another’s. To help your child think for herself, leave emotions out of discipline. For example, instead of telling your daughter to apologize to her friend because her friend is sad, tell her to apologize because it’s the right thing to do. Another thing you can do is give your child choices. Would you rather have a side of green beans or potatoes? These two strategies will help your child develop more confidence and will lead to better mental health.
5. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Our children have a lot to contend with these days from schoolwork to friendships and after school activities. They’re not always going to be angels. But if we can give them the benefit of the doubt more often, they’ll know it’s OK to mess up now and again. This doesn’t mean giving up on discipline, but you can do so with grace. I know you’re tired and this isn’t how you usually behave, but calling your brother a name isn’t allowed in our family.
6. Model compassion and gratitude.
Are you hard on yourself? If you are, chances are your kids have noticed. Good mental health in childhood can come from kids watching you. Instead of saying “I’m such a dummy,” say instead, “Guess you learn something new every day!” The same goes for the blessings in your life. Take time to point out the things you’re grateful for: “I’m so grateful the sun is shining!” This habit will sink in with your kids too.
7. Have fun with your kids.
When you spend time together, it shows your child you love her and puts a figurative coin in her mental health bank. When a child knows she matters, says Jennifer Breheny Wallace, she can better meet the challenges that lie ahead. So find something fun to do every day with your child, even if it’s only a few minutes of singing together on a car ride. When you have fun together, it builds your bond, and that’s time well spent.
What factors do you think influence your child’s mental health and well-being?
