I pulled into a parking spot at the grocery store and turned to my son. “Here’s some money and the list. I’ll wait right here.” With my left foot in a cast, I couldn’t walk. So, I needed his help. At 13, I knew he’d be all right. We’d been in this store a million times together. When he returned later, shopping bags in hand, he had a gleam in his eye that told me he’d enjoyed this task.
Thirteen isn’t that young. But what about 11 or 8? Maybe you want your child to borrow an egg from a neighbor or run into the library to pick up books. How do you boost self-confidence in a kid so he can do things like this? Start working these 3 steps into your everyday experiences so you can trust him in the world without you.
1. Educate your child.
“When you’re at the museum, go with a friend to the bathroom,” I told my daughter. I couldn’t go on the field trip, and she felt nervous. But we talked about the bus ride and what to expect with a different parent leader. We also got online and looked up the museum so she could see what was there. Doing all this prep work beforehand and educating her about what she might see eased her mind and boosted her confidence for field trip day.
I always feel more prepared when I understand a situation better. This works for kids too. Talk through situations before your child has to do something alone and role play different scenarios so she knows what to do if something unexpected comes up.
2. Practice decision making.
My daughter waffled, asking me, “Should I?” I pulled her aside and asked, “Do you want to go to Mia’s house to play?” My daughter said, “Maybe it’d be fun?” I waited, and said, “Do you think it will?” Eventually, she shook her head no. We returned to Mia and told her, “Thank you for the invitation, but not today.”
Decision-making can be really hard for some kids. Some worry they’ll hurt another’s feelings and others worry whether they’ll make the right choice. To boost self-confidence in my child, I’ve learned that giving up some of the day-to-day decision making can do just that.
William Stixrud, PhD and educator Ned Johnson say that “Kids need to practice making their own decisions.” From whether to wear a coat on a chilly day to whether to study for a test, they need to experience the natural consequences from their decisions and learn from them too.
When you begin to give your kids control over their lives, they gain self-confidence. This, in turn, makes it easier for us to trust our kids in the world when we’re not around.
3. Empower your child.
If my son took too long getting dressed, I’d jump in. If he deliberated too long at the bakery counter, I’d help him choose. I admit, I got impatient! But as he’s gotten older, I realized this hurt him more than helped. But how do you boost self confidence in a child who’s happy as a clam to let you step in? I realized I needed to work on my patience. Also, I needed to look for more opportunities to let him do things for himself.
Another thing we can do to empower our kids is change our words. Instead of saying, “You’re taking too long,” we can look for ways to reframe the situation so he feels encouraged: “I like how you’re making a thoughtful choice.” By noticing your child’s effort, you’ll encourage him to keep trying things for himself. With time, this will hopefully boost his self-confidence too.
How we speak to our kids matters. Our words have the power to build them up, and when we do, we’ll find we trust our kids more to make good decisions for themselves. And that sounds like a win for everyone.
How do you boost self-confidence in your child?
