“Mom, can you help?”
“Mom, this is too hard.”
“Mom, how do you spell ‘sandwich?’”
“Mom, I can’t do it. I hate this. I quit.”
Oh boy. Does this sound like your child? I’ve heard variations of these questions and statements at our home, often followed by a lot of whining and complaining. It’s the opposite of music to my ears. Instead of providing answers and managing all they do, teaching kids responsibility and how to do things for themselves as they get older is super important. That’s why it’s wise for us to shift from mom the manager to mom the consultant.
The payoff will be big. Teaching kids responsibility by making some tweaks to your job description will benefit you both. Just give it a little time. Here are 5 ways to be your kid’s consultant (not your kid’s manager).
1. Give choices and point out options.
I decided not to be my kid’s personal Wiki page (or MomGPT). In our fast-paced, tech-centered world, kids have gotten used to quick answers. But that doesn’t help them develop the thinking skills they need to become confident, competent young adults. They need to work through discomfort to figure out things out for themselves. That’s when we’ll see growth in our kids! Try giving choices instead. You could say, You could either walk to Clay’s house or ride your bike.
Benefit: It improves decision-making skills.
2. Be available, but not a helicopter.
“Ask if she wants to play!” I whispered. As she’s gotten older, I’ve tried to step back and give my daughter more opportunities to do things for herself. Encouraging your child to do things like cut her own food and wash her own hair are important because they teach responsibility. Stay nearby if she needs help but allow her to work through the struggle. This can be hard for a mom who likes to show love with acts of service. But it’s better to start letting kids work through hard things now, before they reach puberty.
Benefit: It encourages independence and autonomy.
3. Provide empathy rather than trying to solve the problem.
“That stinks you have a zero even though you turned the homework in,” I said to my son. “I’d be upset too.” I then paused, tempted to tell him he should go talk to the teacher. My son looked up at me. “What should I do?” he asked. “What do you want to do about it?” I countered. He thought for a moment and said, “I should probably talk to her.” I was happy he came to this conclusion on his own. Lead with empathy, and then feel around a bit as a consultant to see what your child comes up with as a solution. It might take a bit, but you also might be surprised what he says.
Benefit: Your child feels understood.
4. Give advice, but don’t push.
“Honey, those pants are way too short. You should go change,” I said. My son looked down at his bare ankles. “But I like these pants,” he replied. I didn’t want him to get teased, so I explained that he’d grown a couple inches and these pants no longer fit. But he still didn’t agree. Hard as it was, I let it go. Maybe he’d face some natural consequences at school—or maybe he wouldn’t. But being a manager rather than a consultant in situations like this one can be more damaging to your relationship than helpful.
Benefit: This builds trust in your relationship and accountability in your child for his actions.
5. Praise skill building and effort.
My friend’s daughter tried out for the travel dance team but didn’t make it. “She was heartbroken. But I’m encouraging her to try again next year,” my friend said. Sometimes our kids don’t get the results they want, but we can point out the skills they’ve learned in the process. Having a growth mindset “can help keep [kids] motivated when they face challenges,” says David Yeager, PhD. And really, it’s the process of developing new skills that can really build confidence and teach kids responsibility, not just the end result.
Benefit: It develops a can-do attitude.
Teaching kids responsibility can be hard for moms. Where do you struggle the most?
