“I’m just vibing,” my son said, eyes glued to his book. I nodded. “OK, well, if you want to vibe in the kitchen while I get dinner ready, I’d love your company.” After a moment, he looked up. “I’m good,” he said. Alrighty then. I left, unsure whether I had an annoyed, stressed, or contentedly happy teen. I hoped for the latter.
We all know it’s not realistic to be happy all the time, but who can blame us for wanting our kids to be happy? While a happy teen might make us happy, maybe it shouldn’t be the ultimate goal. Instead, we can help our kids through the ups and downs of the teen years with these 5 ideas. We just might get a more capable, better-adjusted teenager in the process.
1. Let kids problem-solve vs. rescuing them.
We’ve heard of the protective, powerful nature of the mama bear. And I bet when your kids were little, you were that mama bear too. But now that they’re teens, it’s time to step back and give them more opportunities to solve problems for themselves. In the book What Do You Say? How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance and a Happy Home, authors William Stixrud, PhD, and Ned Johnson say when we rescue them, we “make it easier for kids to avoid dealing with stressful situations, reinforcing avoidance habits.”
How to do it: When your kid has a problem, be the calm in the storm. Offer understanding and support, but don’t swoop in and fix things for her.
2. Offer knowledge vs. forcing wisdom.
If your kid has a big game Saturday morning (or the ACT, or his driving test…), but he wants to go to a party Friday night, it’s not going to go over well if you flat-out say no to the party. Chances are he’ll resent you and probably won’t study (or sleep well) anyway. But you can offer knowledge.
How to do it: Be balanced with how you talk to your teen and give him the options to work through this tough decision with you.
3. Praise his person vs. praising his grades.
To feel good about themselves, kids have to do things on their own. This includes living the values we’ve taught them. The easy thing is to watch another kid get teased, but the hard thing is to speak up. It’s easy to cheat, but hard to study and possibly fail. When we praise our teens for making tough decisions about doing the right thing over the easy thing, we’re building their confidence in the areas that matter most. And confidence can turn a struggling kid into a happy teen.
How to do it: Look for ways to praise qualities like persistence, perseverance, and honesty. This will positively affect his decision-making skills and ability to resist peer-pressure going forward.
4. Bite your tongue vs. nagging.
When we nag our teens to do homework or exercise, we’re being too controlling. Like most parents, I’m guilty of this at times too. It feels good to nag because we feel like we’re doing something to help. But really, we’re just calming our own anxiety. And all the nagging isn’t going to motivate our kids. Most often, it’ll just make them more stressed, say Stixrud and Johnson.
How to do it: It’s not easy to bite your tongue, but do it anyway. Put more trust in your kid, believing he can handle hard things. It might get worse before it gets better, but as he grows more capable, he’ll learn how to do more for himself.
5. Encourage and respect their decisions vs. hovering and protecting.
“Do you want me to quiz you on your history facts?” I asked. My daughter had been struggling in this class, and I knew I could help. But she told me no. Stixrud and Johnson say this is OK. If you respect your kid’s wishes, “[Y]ou’ve not only shown her respect and supported her sense that she can handle things herself, but she’s also much more likely to seek out your advice or ask for your help in another instance.” Surprisingly, the next week, my daughter did accept my help.
How to do it: Even though it’s maddening to watch our kids struggle, hang in there and leave the door open. Our job isn’t to pave the way for our kids but to help them figure out the right way to handle life’s bumps and learn from them.
If you want a happy teen, sometimes they need to do more for themselves. What will you try to do differently in your home?
