“I’m invisible. Like, no one sees me,” my friend’s son told her. “I don’t think anyone would notice if I stopped going.” He’d been feeling low and didn’t want to go to choir rehearsal. His only buddy who also liked singing quit, and now my friend’s son didn’t talk to anyone for the entire two-hour practice. Listening to my friend was heartbreaking. She knew that when teens felt like they didn’t matter, the risk of depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies went up. And, obviously, that terrified her.
When teens matter to others, they feel valued, and their self-esteem increases. Even if school, driver’s ed, or summer camp stinks right now, you can help by letting your teens know they matter to you. Here are 4 things you can do and why mattering is so essential.
1. Focus on your relationship with your teen.
My son and I like to go on runs together. I’m too out of breath to say much, so he gets to talk about whatever’s on his mind. And I enjoying listening. Even when we run in silence, it’s a good feeling just being together. We always snap a sweaty selfie when we’re done!
Jennifer Breheny Wallace writes in Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic—and What to Do About It that mattering “begins with mattering to our parents and then extends outwards to our community and the wider world.” When our teens feel seen by us and loved unconditionally, they feel valued. She says, “When we are made to feel that we matter for who we are at our core, we build a sturdy sense of self-worth.” Either find some common ground with your teen or be willing to listen when he talks about baseball or TikTok. When teens feel like they matter, they feel like who they are is enough.
2. Button your lips about grades and performance.
We know teens matter more than their grades or how well they did at a game. But in our highly pressurized culture, teens “internalize too-high expectations and come to depend on them as indicators of self-value and parental love,” says Wallace. It’s natural to want to ask about a math quiz and how she did, but asking endless questions about results sends the wrong message. The educational publication Insights advises us to ask other questions instead such as “How do you feel about your performance?” and “Do you understand the material and, if not, is there someone who might help?”
Shifting our attention to our kids, and not how they did, removes the pressure. As a result, we lessen their chances of developing anxiety and depression.
3. Look for your teen’s strengths.
Your teen isn’t perfect, but that doesn’t make you love her less. Wallace says that “So much parenting energy is often spent on identifying and fixing our kids’ weaknesses: who needs help with social skills, or with math or writing.” It may help to look for your child’s strengths and shine a light on them while limiting any criticism. What do others say about your child? What words do teachers use to describe him? If people say he’s kind, diligent, or curious, let your child know you see these traits too. It doesn’t matter if he brings home an A or a trophy to prove it.
4. Talk to your teen about what matters most.
Your family might value good manners and you might attend church on the weekends. But both Insights and Wallace say we have to be explicit about our values to our kids. That means you have to say it. Your values may be different from the ones your teens see on social media or hear about in the school hallways.
If you value helping your elderly neighbor with household tasks, have your teen come along. Tell him that “there are things Mr. D can’t do for himself anymore. Let’s help him out without waiting for him to ask.” Mattering is feeling valued and being able to offer value in ways that make teens feel capable, important, and trusted, according to Isaac Prilleltensky, a professor at the University of Miami and a co-author of How People Matter. When they give back, teens matter to those they serve, and this gives their self-worth an essential boost.
When teens know they matter, they feel better about themselves. What can you do to let your teen know he or she matters?
