“EVERYONE at school has a phone!” I chuckled when my coworker showed me the note her 10-year-old son had slipped in her purse that morning. Creative and persistent, he’d been begging his mom for a cell phone for months, even though he knew his parents were serious about their “no cell phone until middle school” policy. Mom knew he didn’t need a phone. He felt left out. He wanted to fit in with his classmates by owning a phone.
It’s hard to help kids understand how their peers sometimes influence their desires. Moms can give their kids tools to see when they’re being influenced. Here are 4 things to understand about peer influence.
1. Peer influence is not the same as peer pressure.
Peer pressure is when a kid around the same age tells your kid what to do. For example, “You should tell your mom you need a phone.” Peer pressure can also happen when another kid makes fun of your kid for a specific reason, such as “I can’t believe you don’t have a phone. You’re such a baby.” A lot of kids start learning about peer pressure in elementary school. Kids are even taught peer pressure refusal strategies.
Peer influence is harder for kids to recognize. Maybe your kid sees other kids wearing a particular brand of shoes, and suddenly, your kid wants those same shoes. Peer influence can also happen when your kid feels left out. For example, a lot of kids in your son’s class are talking about a viral online video. He hasn’t seen it because he doesn’t have a phone, so he feels left out of the conversation, and now, he wants to watch it. No peer has pressured your child in these scenarios, but your child has been influenced.
2. Your kids may not know they’re being influenced.
“Bruh.” Moms with boys are very aware of this word. “Hey, bruh, can I borrow a pencil?” It may seem trivial, but I want my kids to call me “mom” or “momma.” So, when my son called me “bruh” for the first time, I thought he was talking to someone else. When I asked him why he called me that, he didn’t even remember he’d done it. My son had picked it up from other kids at school. He absorbed it into his vocabulary without even realizing—that’s the power of peer influence.
If our kids don’t even notice that the words they’re using have changed because of peer influence, what else about our kids might change before they know it? We need to remind them sometimes that because of peer influence, they’re being shaped by the people who surround them, so they need to choose their peers wisely.
3. Your kids might not know they are influencers.
Kids need to understand that they could be the influencers. The choices they make, their behavior, and the way they treat others could influence kids around them—and since they are going to influence, they can be a positive influence.
My cousin played volleyball in high school. One season, she had a teammate who was negative about everything from the uniform’s fit to how the coach ran practice. My cousin noticed that the whole team started to take on this attitude. After talking about it with her mom, she decided to display the best, most positive attitude, even if she were the only one. She complimented teammates, never complained at practice, and cheered the loudest during games. After a few days, her team became more positive and unified. She was a positive influence and helped create a great experience for her team.
4. We are all influenced.
Scroll any social media feed, and it’s apparent that we are all influenced—from “regular moms” getting brand deals on Instagram for lip gloss and leggings to TikTok ads about a viral vegetable chopper. And it’s not just on social media. My neighbor’s new car kind of makes me hate my 10-year-old, worn-out mom mobile. My coworker taking a vacation has me checking my paid time off balance. As adults, understanding influence will keep us from making a purchase we don’t need or making a choice that could have negative consequences.
Moms can help their kids understand influence, too. Remember that while kids are influenced by their peers, they are influenced by their moms even more. It’s important to be present, set boundaries, and model positive behavior and good choices. You are the biggest influence on your kid.
When has another mom influenced you?
