“Not helpful,” my teen son said, scowling. His thick eyebrows joined as one, and he gave me a glare that I never thought possible a few years back. Where had my little buddy gone? And who was this pimple-faced impersonator? “Mom, you just don’t get it.” He shook his head. Ouch. “OK,” I said, palms out, slowly backing away. “Don’t bite. I’m leaving now.”
I used to be helpful. At least, my kid thought so when he was younger. And though we moms may still feel like we have the answers to whatever problems our teens bring us, they just don’t always want to hear it. It’s probably teenage hormones, but also their journey to adulthood that’s making them pull back. But don’t think they’re done with us! Teens still need us, just in a different way. Here are 3 paths to walk with a hormonal teen as he or she matures.
1. A Path of Empathy
“I understand,” I said. “I’d be upset too.” And just like that, my son let out an audible puff of air. His shoulders dropped and his hard edges from a moment ago softened. He looked at me with something like gratitude. And all I did was nod in agreement and empathize with him.
Giving your teen empathy can help him cool down when he’s upset. If you see your daughter crying after a text exchange with a friend, you could say, “You look really sad, and that makes me sad too.” Being empathetic means being attuned to your teen’s feelings by observing her body language and nonverbal communication. You could offer her a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or just company on the couch if you sense there’s something wrong. Knowing they don’t have to go it alone could mean the world to your kids.
2. A Path of Listening
I started to see moodiness in my kids around age 12. (Hello, door slams!) I had no idea that hormones start to surge for girls when they’re about 9 or 10. And for boys? Not much later: between 10 and 12. Every kid’s different, but this transition from childhood to adolescence doesn’t end for years. What I’ve noticed during this rush of teenage hormones is that my kids don’t want my motherly advice and wisdom anymore. Instead, they’d rather be heard.
Teens can be highly emotional. But according to health writer Ali Ansell, listening well to your child can “improve teens’ general sense of well-being, including their self-esteem.” Simple things like showing warmth while your teen talks and making eye contact can encourage your teen to open up. In a study by the University of Reading, researchers looked at the quality of parents’ listening to their teens. The parents who engaged in active listening made their kids feel better about themselves, and those kids said they were more likely to open up about their feelings in the future. Because I don’t want to push either of my teens away, I’m trying to make sure I understand what they’re saying by asking open-ended questions and by not giving unsolicited advice.
3. A Path to the Kitchen
“Who wants to make smoothies?” I called up the stairs. A friend told me one of the best ways to lure her teen from her room is with food. In our home, smoothie-making is bonding time. When your teens know you want to be around them, it makes them feel loved.
Yes, they’ll test boundaries. They may backtalk, yell, slam doors, tell you they hate you, and willfully disregard your rules. But, as the CDC says, “The part of the brain involved in decision-making and managing emotions is still under construction.” So, try to think long-term, and try to give your child grace. Whip out the frozen grocery-store pie the next time teenage hormones are to blame for another emotional outburst. She may or may not want to talk, but you’re communicating you’re there for her whenever she needs you.
If you’re parenting a teen right now, has the shift in teenage hormones affected your relationship?
