Taped to my daughter’s door: lots of magazine cuttings of puppies, several photographs of family and friends, and some pencil drawings she created over the previous months. But one day, I noticed something new taped to the door, right above the handle in the spot where I usually knocked. It was a sign that said, “Don’t come in. We are closed.” I hesitated, knuckles hovering midair, not sure whether to proceed.
When she’s flopped on her bed, listening to music, or reading a book, I know she doesn’t want to be seen. She wants her privacy. But the secret to understanding teenagers is that there are times when they do want to be noticed. They’re growing every day emotionally and physically and need some positive reinforcement when they make good choices. So, look for these 5 times to make your teen feel seen. And give her some praise to encourage more of it.
1. When She Makes Effort to Connect With Others
When we left my daughter’s cello teacher’s house yesterday, my daughter noticed a Michigan flag flapping in the breeze. She turned and said, “They played a really great game last weekend. Michigan demolished Michigan State!” And her teacher grinned and said, “It was embarrassing, wasn’t it?” When we got to the car, I told my daughter I loved her effort to connect with her teacher outside of music.
Connecting with others is good, so let your teen know you see her and are proud of her. She’ll do it more often.
2. When He Makes the Right Choice Without You
For a while, if we didn’t remember to take it, my son would keep his phone in his room overnight. And we’d discover later that he’d been on his screen well past midnight. But recently, he started dropping off his phone on my husband’s bedroom dresser before brushing his teeth. “Hey, thanks for remembering to do that,” I said, pleasantly surprised. He shrugged and muttered, “Yep.” But I’m pretty sure he felt pleased that I’d noticed.
There’s no answer key for understanding teenagers. We can lead them in the right direction, but then it’s up to them to make the right choices. When you find out he’s been listening all along (and not tuning you out), let him know you appreciate it. And that he’s pretty awesome.
3. When She Takes a Positive Risk (No Matter the Outcome)
“Hey. I’m proud of you for trying,” my mom said. I’d run for class treasurer as a write-in candidate my sophomore year. I’d lost. It hurt so much at the time, but somehow, my mom’s words made the sting of defeat a little less painful. And years later, I too am glad I tried, even if I didn’t win. The process taught me a lot about failing and picking myself back up. And now, it’s a good story to tell my kids when they’re wavering on the edge of taking a positive leap or not.
Win or lose, if your teen’s trying new things, she’s working on her identity and figuring out what she wants in life. Cheer her efforts.
4. When He Makes Sustained Effort to Improve or Change Course
When I taught high school English, I had one student who always had his head planted on his desk. But at some point, he woke up. He started paying attention, even raising his hand and volunteering answers. His grades improved. I don’t know what caused the change, but I was so pleased that after I congratulated Sammy on his efforts one afternoon, I later called home to tell his dad how proud I was with Sammy as well.
If you have a child who struggles in some way, get him the help he needs whether it’s a tutor, a guidance counselor, or pastor so he doesn’t feel lost. Understanding teenagers and what they need is sometimes too hard for parents alone. But if he does start to put more effort into an area where he struggles, notice him so he feels the encouragement to continue.
5. When She Takes the High Road
This is so hard to do, even for adults! If your teen refuses to bite back at her sibling when he teases, or she says, “Maybe there’s an emergency!” when a driver cuts her off on the road, let her know you’ve witnessed her positive behavior. Giving grace to another person takes a lot of self-control but also a certain amount of commitment to choosing kindness.
Being surly or snappy in response to someone else’s rude behavior is the easy road. The high road is harder. If you catch your teen taking this course, be proud!
Understanding teenagers is a mystery sometimes. What has worked in your family to show your teen you “get” him?
