The teen boy who lives around the corner sometimes walks past my house. He usually has earbuds in and almost always wears dark sunglasses, so I can’t read his face. He’s dyed his hair a few different colors in the past year, and once, his shoelaces dragged on the sidewalk—as if shoes were a last-minute thought. When I’m outside in the yard, I say hi. But he just lifts his chin and says nothing. I remember him at 10 years old when he used to run around the playground in elementary school. He had short, blond hair back then and a mischievous grin. I wonder what he’s experienced since those days, and what’s happening in his life now. Does he know his value? I hope so.
Girls and guys alike change in many ways as they try to figure out who they are during the teenage years. But if we can help them embrace these 5 core beliefs for teens, it might make the highs and lows of adolescence a bit smoother.
1. I matter.
Some teens cross their arms and slump in their seats, passively listening to the class discussion. I’ve seen it as a former teacher. It’s only when I ask them to stay after and ask how they are that these kids spring to life. When I taught, I never wanted a student to think he or she didn’t matter in my class. And now, as a mom, I want my children to know they matter too. I’ll drop anything to listen to them, and I’ll seek them out—often—when they don’t come to me first.
Tell your child he matters even if you frequently argue. Tell him his thoughts matter even if you don’t always agree. Prove it by listening to him and by seeking him out—often.
2. I can do hard things.
Last summer, my son went on a wilderness trek in Minnesota. He didn’t want to do it, but I signed him up anyway. When he returned home, his skin coated with grime, he bore the biggest, most satisfied smile. Now, when he has something difficult to do, I remind my kid what he accomplished in Minnesota.
Give your child plenty of opportunities to do hard things. Then remind him often of his successes so he begins to believe in his capabilities. He can do hard things. This core belief for teens will get him through so much.
3. I can make a difference.
My niece does things like travel to Guatemala to do mission work while a local friend’s son watches his younger siblings after school. Both teens make a difference in their worlds.
Having a good attitude about school or getting up without a fight Sunday mornings for church also make a difference. Let your teen know you appreciate the effort she’s making in your home and in others’ lives. A core belief for teens is that they can make a difference no matter how small. They’ll feel valued if you point these moments out to them.
4. I’m likable.
There’s a boy in my son’s school who has a cloud of frizzy hair that hangs in front of his face. I don’t know whether his hair is a statement or if he’s hiding something. But he’s getting attention from it because everyone stares, trying to glimpse an eye or nose.
Struggling to fit in isn’t new, but popularity comes and goes, along with friends and good looks. Find things to admire about your teen—maybe it’s her unique style or artistic abilities. Focus on fundamental traits like her kindness to others, self-motivation, and honesty to ensure you’re letting your teen know she’s likable at her core.
5. My mom loves me.
Even when I felt very alone in high school, I had my mom. She always had time to listen to me and give me hugs.
When you love your teen through it all, accepting him for his flaws and failings, you give him a powerful gift that no one can take away. Make sure he knows it. Tell your teen often: I love you. Even if you don’t like me right now, I love you and always will. Trust me. A mom’s unconditional love is often the anchor kids need in the turbulent teen years.
What beliefs for teens are essential in your book?
