“Hey, how was your day?” Grunt. “Did you get your science homework done before class?” Grunt. “Mmmm, OK. So, it sounds like you had a busy day. But not a bad one, huh?” Grunt. Thus concluded my afterschool conversation with my teenage son.
It’s hard to know what your teenager’s thinking these days, right? Teens may not volunteer much, but rest assured, their minds are always running. And chances are, your teenager’s thinking a lot more than what he or she may be saying. Deep down, here are 7 things teens want us to know, even if they don’t say it.
1. “I’m trustworthy.”
What’s your teenager thinking? “I’ve lived with you all my life. I know what’s right. I haven’t been blind to what you’re teaching! Give me some space, Mom. I can do this. And if I mess up? Please don’t get mad. I’m still learning too. I’ll try again if you just give me the chance.”
It’s happening. They’re growing up. We need to show our teens we believe in them and give them opportunities to make decisions and do things for themselves. They want to prove it to themselves. We just have to be a little more willing to let go.
2. “I love you even if I don’t say it.”
What’s your teenager thinking? “Of course I love you. You’re my mom. But saying that kinda makes me feel like a little kid. Also, love’s a really weird concept in my life right now. ‘Love’ just feels funny in my mouth, and I’m trying to figure out when—or if—I want to be vulnerable with anyone.”
Giving our kids room to sort through feelings about themselves and others is important in adolescence. They may not want to talk about love or other potentially embarrassing topics. Just be patient. But do keep telling your teen you love him or her. Teens still need to hear that.
3. “I need to do some things on my own.”
What’s your teenager thinking? “It’s scary, but I have to start stepping out on my own so I can gain some confidence. Yeah, it’s always easier with your help, but I wanna see what I can do and what I’m capable of. How am I going to figure that out if you’re always there?”
It’s better for our teens to branch out on their own while they still live at home. Before we know it, they’ll be off, into the world. But for now, let’s watch from a short distance with the door open for their return.
4. “I may not be perfect, but I’m trying.”
What’s your teenager thinking? “If you notice I’m not doing something right, please don’t always point it out. I’ll ask if I need your help. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, and if I slip up (my shirt’s untucked or my binder is disorganized), you don’t need to mention it. It just makes me feel like I’m not measuring up. And really, Mom, I’m doing the best I can.”
In this case, he may feel criticized too much, and that’s contributing to his silence. Avoid the urge to correct and instead praise your child for his effort. He will be (quietly) grateful.
5. “I’m still trying to figure out who I am.”
What’s your teenager thinking? “I know who I am. No, I don’t. I mean, I do. In a way. Sort of. But there are things I’m still working on.”
Not long ago, your teen was probably six inches shorter and 20 pounds lighter (or more!). She’s changed so much in a short amount of time. She doesn’t always have control of her limbs or her tears. If your teen does something surprisingly out of character, pause before responding. Give her grace.
6. “Sometimes, I’m scared and just need you to listen.”
What’s your teenager thinking? “Can you be my sounding board and that’s it? I’m sorry, Mom, but I just tune you out when you go on and on about things I should or shouldn’t do. Sometimes I just need you to sit with me and let me talk. OK?”
Most of the time, teens just want us to empathize with what they’re going through. And that is much more effective than unsolicited advice.
7. “I may look grown up, but I don’t always feel it and I still need you.”
What’s your teenager thinking? “After sitting through all my classes, worrying about what others think, and getting all my schoolwork done, I like knowing at the end of the day you’re there for me. Just knowing you care about me, and I can come to you when I need you makes me feel safe and good.”
Here’s what you can do: Be present. Walk through the kitchen while he’s studying. Knock on his door when he’s been closed off from the family for too long. Send him a text that makes him laugh. Your presence means a lot to a teen who’s still doing a lot of growing up inside.
Your teenager’s thinking a lot more than what she may be saying these days. How do you show your teen you’re there for her when she needs you?
