My boy’s a teenager now. But didn’t I just push him on the swings the other day? Feels like it. We seemed to have endless time back then, to cuddle, to dream about his future. But now, here he is in high school, carrying a heavy load of classes and a heavy trombone as well. When he tells a funny story in the next room, I sometimes confuse his deep voice with my husband’s. And though life’s easier now without lifting him in and out of a car seat, it’s still a bit weird when I look over at the passenger seat and there he is. Right next to me. Long legs, big feet. The whole shebang.
I feel the slip of time passing and don’t want to lose our good relationship. As moms, we know we need to let our kids grow up, but staying connected to your teenager is important too. Here are 3 easy ways we can maintain good relationships with our teens even as they’re figuring themselves out and shaping their own futures.
1. Listen more than talk.
“Mom, I’m scared about going,” he said, before leaving for a week of camp. I started to reply with some typical mom-advice—“Once you get there, you’ll be fine!”—but stopped myself. “OK,” I restarted. “Tell me why you’re scared.” I really had to bite my tongue and listen. Eventually, he stopped and looked at me expectantly. I kept my reply brief. After he returned six nights later, he had so much to tell me! “We stayed up past midnight every night,” he began with a mischievous glint in his eye. Instead of chiming in, I let him talk. I asked a few questions but tried not to overwhelm him. I let him carry the conversation where he wanted.
Kids appreciate their mom’s attention. Even if they don’t say it matter-of-factly, when we really listen to them, they get an idea of their value to us. That night after dinner, I asked who wanted to walk the dog with me. My son volunteered. “I like talking with you, Mom.”
2. Be around more without distractions.
“Mom? Are you listening to me? Mom?” my daughter asked recently, but no, I wasn’t listening. I had my phone out, reading something funny a friend sent. I know my phone prevents me at times from staying connected with my teenager, so I’m trying harder to keep it in my pocket or tucked away. When I joined my daughter at the breakfast table the other morning, my bowl of cereal in one hand and the newspaper in the other, my daughter closed her book and turned to me. I decided I should read the news later. She made me feel special in that moment and I wanted to do the same for her.
What other distractions steal our time from spending it with our teens? In adolescence, some experts argue our children need our attention even more than before and that it’s really important for parents to stay close with their teens. I’m trying to maximize time with my kids by saving little things like dishes and my favorite show until after they’re in bed. To stay emotionally connected, I’ll also tell them that they’re important to me, and that I love being with them. Because showing them their value is essential, but words are important too.
3. Give teens more freedom to make personal decisions.
“When do you think you want to start driver’s ed?” I asked my 15-year-old. He told me he might want to wait until the summer. “OK. Waiting until classes are done sounds like a good idea,” I said. A couple months ago, he also decided to give up the jazz band and do the high school marching band instead. Even though I loved his jazz performances in middle school, I let it go. If he wanted to focus on one type of music over another, no problem. I respected that.
Once they reach adolescence, our kids start to pull away from us, and that’s normal! They’re trying to figure out who they are. But it’s tricky. If we cling too tightly to our teens, and continue to control much of their lives, we’re setting them up for rebellion. Instead, we should try to encourage them to make decisions that impact their lives by guiding them in the right direction. According to the Center for Parent and Teen Communication at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, “Doing so will prepare them with the skills needed to make independent choices in the future.” And knowing they can turn to you for help makes staying connected to your teenager that much easier.
In what other ways are you staying connected to your teenager?
