Nearly one in five teens say they use YouTube or TikTok “almost constantly.” That’s according to a survey published by the Pew Research Center in late 2023. You might be thinking, I don’t need a survey to tell me that. It’s staring me in the face or, rather, not looking at me at all because my kids are always looking at their phones.
Figuring out how to get your kids off their phones might make you feel like David facing Goliath. It’s too big of a problem to tackle. But the evidence is piling up, proving kids’ excessive use of phones has a negative effect on their physical and mental health and socialization. We can’t let our kids go down without a fight, so here are 5 things to remember if you want them to cut back.
1. Replacing is more effective than removing.
I sat with my friend Grace at her son’s basketball game. It was the fourth quarter, and his spot on the bench was nice and warm. She leaned into me and said, “I don’t care that he’s not getting any playing time. I’m just glad he’s not staring at his phone.” Grace was embracing a principle of habit-breaking.
James Clear, author of Atomic Habits says, “If you expect yourself to simply cut out bad habits without replacing them, then you’ll have certain needs that will be unmet.” Your child’s phone fills a need for connection or to fight boredom. Removing it will leave a void.
How to get your kids off their phones: Replace the phone with ideas or activities like a cookbook with challenging but fun recipes or a STEM class at the Y. Looking for something even simpler? Designate a “power-down” time. Pick a show everyone loves to watch, and make it your nightly routine.
2. They’re not going down without a fight.
If your child willingly hands over her phone, she’s either incredibly self-aware or not actually addicted to it. Change is uncomfortable. So expect your child to push back, complain, negotiate, or get angry with you.
How to get your kids off their phones: Set clear, firm boundaries. Let your kids pick the hour they want to be on their phone after school. After that hour is up, put all the phones in a box on the counter. Remind your kids that although you call it “your phone,” that device was purchased by you, you pay the bill, and you are its rightful owner.
3. The phone isn’t the enemy.
When my mom would call our TV the “boob tube” and tell me to turn it off, I remember thinking, She doesn’t get it. Just like what happened between my mom and me, if you launch into a lecture on how toxic phones can be or how they’re designed to get you addicted, you’ll appear out of touch, and your kids will stop listening.
If we make phones the enemy, how can we expect our kids to use them wisely? You don’t use an enemy; you hide from it or fight it. I don’t think either of those is an option for kids and phones.
How to get your kids off their phones: If you want your kids to make a mature decision, like cutting back on phone usage, talk to them maturely. Give phones some credit: “I get it. Your phone is how you stay connected to your friends. It’s important to you.” Then speak the truth: “But we have to control them instead of letting them control us.” And remember, Mom. Just because your kids appear phone savvy doesn’t mean they know how to manage their time with it. They need your guidance.
4. Your kids aren’t you.
We grew up in a different age. Most of us didn’t have phones until high school or college, and even then, the lure of playing Snake on our Nokia 3210s wasn’t that tempting. Consider how difficult it is for you to ignore your phone. You feel that pull even though smartphones weren’t a thing in your formative years.
How to get your kids off their phones: Don’t look down on your kids for succumbing to the temptation of technology. We need to show compassion and understanding and recognize that breaking this habit is a different battle for them than for us.
5. They’re watching you.
I love watching America’s Funniest Home Videos with my kids, but one night, I’d had my fill of piñata mishaps and wanted to scroll Instagram instead. My kids called me out. “Mom, watch the show with us.” A longitudinal study conducted in 2022 and published in the International Journal of Mental Health Addiction found parental smartphone addiction predicts child smartphone addiction. It also suggested a family-level approach to intervention.
How to get your kids off their phones: Get off yours. Adopt a “we’re in this together” mentality, and give your kids permission to hold you accountable.
How long do you think you could go with your phone turned off?
