“I don’t want to do this anymore!” my son exclaimed as soon as he got in the car, eyes filled with angry tears he’d held back since the game ended. After half a basketball season, his coach had taken a leave of absence, and the substitute coach didn’t let him play much—in this game, a total of 27 seconds. As an eighth grader, that’s some serious embarrassment.
I knew that whether or not his coach returned, quitting wasn’t the answer. As a parent, it can be challenging to know how to teach a child to persevere, but as adults, we know there are many benefits in the long run. Here are 5 ways moms can help their kids stick it out when things get hard.
1. Assess the situation with him.
When your child is calm, evaluate the situation together. What kind of hard work or patience got him to this point? Has he committed to a certain season or length of time? Who is depending on him for this? What has worked in the past, and how could that possibly work in this situation? Questions like these will help him take a step back and get out of the misery of the moment. It also helps him to realize that it’s not just about him—others may be affected by his decision to quit.
2. Provide a stable emotional backdrop.
“I can see how hard this has been for you” can go a long way with a kid. However, while validating her feelings is key to helping her feel supported, don’t join her on a downward emotional spiral. Even though you may feel for what she’s going through, too much sympathy could lend itself to wallowing in self-pity and being led by emotion rather than digging in to find the strength to persevere. I like the way Psychology Today explains it: “A calm and balanced emotional climate [facilitated by parents] provides the backdrop teens [and kids] need to stretch themselves without becoming flooded or avoidant.”
3. Refocus his goal.
“Attitude is more important than playing time,” I told my son. “You’re right, Mom! I’m ready to jump back in!” he replied. Just kidding. I’m pretty sure he rolled his eyes and said playing time was the entire point to all the hard work in practice.
Yes, playing time is one goal, but it’s not the only goal. Other goals could be things like staying fit, self-respect, friendship, and maintaining a good attitude in the face of disappointment. And while he may not totally get it at this age, just introducing the idea will plant a seed and let him know that you value those other things just as much (or more) than seeing him play a lot.
4. Help her come up with a doable plan. 
Sometimes when we’re suffering, we need someone to help us create a plan to get through it. Ideas for how to teach a child to persevere might include rewards for hard work, a timeline, or even little ways you can give her grace. When my daughter was having a hard time in her freshman year of high school, I went to extra lengths to pick her up from school a few times a week and get coffee or just get her home earlier. She said she looked forward to those times, and it gave her strength to get through the day.
5. Be his biggest cheerleader before, during, and after.
Frankly, kids can be difficult to be around when things are hard for them. They might exude frustration, anxiety, or anger right in the direction of the one they trust the most—you. So it can feel almost counterintuitive to dole out encouragement when you’d rather give a “Suck it up!” speech. But as you’re figuring out how to teach a child to persevere, encourage him because he needs it. He needs it desperately but won’t tell you. Keep it short and sweet like, “You can do this,” “You’re a trooper,” or “I’m proud of you!” Even if he shrugs it off, it’ll echo in his mind and give him that little nudge he needs to keep going.
How have you helped your child get through a tough time?
