“Time to get ready for bed,” I told my son as his eyes were fixed on a screen. He shot back with the customary, “Can I just finish this round?” because he knew that usually gained him a few extra minutes. You can imagine the reaction I got after firing back with, “Not tonight, it’s already late.” Let the power struggle commence!
Power struggles seem to go with the territory of parenting, but have you or your kids ever felt better after a power struggle? I haven’t. They change the mood in the house, put strain on your relationship, and leave you feeling exhausted—so here are 4 ways to avoid a power struggle with a child.
1. Gauge the situation.
If I get interrupted or my plans get disjointed, I can almost guarantee the way I engage with others will be negatively impacted. If my request for a few more minutes isn’t honored, I might be the one to blame for a power struggle.
Is it first thing in the morning, and your kid is a night owl? Did he just walk in the door after losing a big game? Is she preparing for a huge exam? Avoid initiating sensitive topics or pressure points, when you know your child is consumed by something else. Timing matters.
2. Take 10.
My daughter and I can go toe-to-toe, and our escalating energy never ends well. We started using the words “take 10” when one of us needed to calm down. If either one of us asks for it or suggests it, we both have to honor it—10 minutes of space from each other to cool down and gather our thoughts.
After taking 10, we reset and try again. I usually ask, “Can we refresh and start over?” Taking some time apart almost always diffuses the power struggle and helps us approach the situation differently.
3. Resist the urge to negotiate.
Our kids are smart and know which buttons to push to get what they want. I’ve gotten sucked into the trap of “one more” or “just a few more minutes,” but it rarely ends after the first concession.
Negotiating isn’t bad, but it often leads to a power struggle with a child. If you’ve already given a clear answer, stick to it. My kids have asked for a dog at least a thousand times, and the answer is always a clear and unwavering no. When the answer isn’t as obvious, gather all the necessary information before committing to an answer. Saying ”We’re going to pause this conversation until I’ve had more time to think about it” will help prevent engaging in a negotiation that could lead to a power struggle.
4. Remember your kid’s a kid.
My son fell apart when we told him he couldn’t go to his friend’s birthday party because we would be out of town. He couldn’t understand why the other plans were a bigger priority and why we couldn’t drive him home for the party.
It’s natural for kids to feel like their concerns are the most important thing in the world—because to our kids, they are. Our kids haven’t lived enough life to have big-picture awareness or mature selflessness. Every time you model empathy, self-awareness, and healthy communication strategies, you are giving your kids tools for healthy communication in the future.
What if you can’t avoid a power struggle with a child?
If my daughter storms out of the room and slams the door, that can’t be where it ends. If I end up yelling and losing my temper, that can’t be where it ends. When a power struggle emerges or gets out of hand, it’s important to always focus on repair.
Psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, founder of GoodInside.com, says, “Repair is about reconnecting with a kid after a disconnection” and then goes so far as to say that repairing a relationship with a child is the most important skill a parent can have. So, on the days when the struggle wasn’t avoided, let repair be what you both remember most.
When are you most likely to engage in a power struggle?
