“You know what I love about you today?” I asked our 15-year-old. She looked up from her phone, waiting for my response. While this question was part of our daily ritual, the answers changed. I said: “I love how you handled your disappointment at the competition. Even though you expected to place higher, you still clapped for everyone and genuinely congratulated the winner.”
After mumbling a “thanks,” she went back to texting her friends. And although she didn’t respond by giving me a hug like when she was 8, I knew she needed to hear those words from me to encourage her heart on a tough day. As our children grow, the way they need us to show them love changes, too. If you’re wondering how to really love your child during the tween and teen years, keep these 6 ideas in mind.
1. Tell her why you love her.
Of course, you love your child unconditionally. So, keep saying “I love you.” At times, however, be specific when you say the words. Focus on character traits or positive behaviors you’d like her to repeat. For example:
- I love how brave you are to try out for the play.
- I love how you took the initiative to empty the dishwasher.
- I love your focus. You worked hard to bring up your math grade.
During this tumultuous season, many teens feel like no one gets them. However, telling your child why you love him helps your child feel seen, heard, and understood.
2. Include him in decision-making.
Involving your teen in decisions, from small choices like where to eat for dinner to bigger things like picking electives, sends a powerful message: I trust you. You show her that you respect her growing autonomy, value her opinions, and believe in her maturing ability to make sound choices.
As you involve your tween or teen in the process, give her a framework for making bigger decisions. This collaborative approach strengthens your communication and your bond. Plus, it builds her confidence in trusting her voice and taking responsibility for her choices.
3. Share your family stories.
Teens are in a critical phase of identity formation as they try to figure out who they are and where they fit in. Research from Emory University shows that teens with a deeper knowledge of their family history experience greater emotional well-being and a stronger sense of identity. So keep telling stories from your childhood (and his), how you and your husband met, and even encourage your dad to repeat his tall tales one more time. It’s a small way to remind your teen that he will always fit in with (and be loved by) his family.
4. Create a positive morning routine.
On the surface, establishing a positive morning routine for your teen might not look like how to really love your child, but it’s something your teen needs from you. The routine can be as simple as always warming up her car or filling her water bottle. The predictability offers security, a constant in the ever-changing teen world. Plus, your teen navigates a heavy emotional, social, and intellectual day at school. Sending her out the door with a reassuring moment with you reminds her that she’s not facing the world alone. You’re right there with her.
5. Set clear rules and enforce consequences.
While setting clear rules and enforcing consequences doesn’t fall under a love language category, it’s a fundamental pillar of a loving relationship with your teen. Boundaries provide a sense of security, and although your child may push up against the rules, those rules show him that you care.
But Mom, you and I know that holding our teens accountable isn’t the most pleasant way to love our children. In a perfect world, how to really love your child focuses on hugs and “I love yous.” But consistency in enforcing the rules shows your kid that you’re invested in the person he’s becoming and believe in his capacity to learn and grow into a responsible adult. As a mom, remembering that long-term goal helps soften the blows of slammed doors and emotional outbursts when you dole out those consequences that “ruin his life.” (At least, it helps me!)
6. Give her space to chill after school.
How was school? Did the Biology test go OK? What did the teacher say about your presentation? Did you and so-and-so patch things up?
When they get home from school, we bombard our kids with questions because we care. But, to our teens, our questioning can be the good ol’ straw that breaks the camel’s back. After a long day managing the workload of multiple classes, the expectations of teachers, and peer relationships, they often need to hole up in their rooms. Letting your teen decompress for a bit after school shows your teen that you understand. Save your questions for later. This minor tweak when you check in with your teen makes a major difference in how to really love your child.
What’s the biggest challenge you’ve faced in connecting with your teenager and showing her love?
