“I don’t know why I’m crying!” my daughter said. “But I don’t want to talk.” I stared straight ahead as I drove, unsure what to say or do next. My daughter batted away tears. It was kind of scary because I didn’t see her cry very often. What happened? As I sat there trying to process her sudden change in mood, she muttered, “Finn.” Yesterday, we’d found out her former teacher’s dog had died. It’d been years since my daughter had seen him. And did I mention we found out yesterday? I knew she was sad, but could her tears be part of a teen mood swing?
When your child hits adolescence, strong emotional responses can happen to her, leaving you feeling helpless. But here are 5 steps you can take to respond to teen mood swings and help your child when she’s feeling a little out of control.
1. Stay calm.
When my teen gets upset and it comes out of nowhere, it’s hard to resist jumping on the emotional rollercoaster with her. But as Lucy Androski, a 13-year-old TEDxYouth speaker advises parents, if you raise your voice, yell or fight back, teens will have reason to be mad. Instead, she says, stay calm. “Realize it’s not you. It’s emotions.” Monica Barnes-Durity, MD, of Duke Health agrees that parents should remain calm and that the “occasional displays of moodiness, anger, and rebellion are normal.” Try to resist fueling the fire. It’ll pass—just keep your own emotions in check.
2. Listen.
Lucy tells parents in her TEDxYouth talk that when she has a mood swing, her emotions feel “very intense” when she’s sad or mad. It “feels like a wave has just crashed into me.” She’s not thinking about why she’s sad or mad. “It’s just there,” she says. Her advice to parents? Listen to your teen. He may not make much logical sense, but teen mood swings aren’t about logic and reasoning. Listen to him vent or cry, and later, when he’s calm, you can return to this moment and talk about it if you feel the need.
3. Empathize.
At the time, your teen may say things that upset you. But Denise Witmer of VeryWell Family advises us not to jump too quickly into discipline mode. “This is new for them and they haven’t learned how to recognize or deal with these emotions.” When you’re both calm, start by showing empathy. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I would’ve been upset too. Expressing empathy to your teen tells her you get it. And empathy will go a long way to build a greater connection with your child, making it more likely she’ll open up to you again in the future.
4. Give her some space.
“I just wanna be alone,” my daughter said. Her mood swing had died down, but I could see how tired she looked from experiencing all those big feelings in a short burst of time. “OK, honey,” I said, backing out of her room. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” The intense wave of emotion 13-year-old Lucy described is something teens have a hard time controlling. The part of the brain that manages emotions hasn’t fully developed. Giving your child some privacy to cry, pace around her room, or write in her journal after a mood swing might be what she needs.
5. Move on (and don’t embarrass him).
I’m sure you’ll agree it’s no fun when someone reminds you of when you were at your worst. No one appreciates that, your teen included. If you’ve given him empathy, touched on any hot issues you need to address, offered affection, and reminded him the door’s always open if he needs you, it’s time to move on. Looking at him like he’s a creature from Mars isn’t going to make him feel better. So, carry on knowing your teen will likely have another mood swing in the near future, and that’s OK. In fact, it’s normal.
What’s worked for handling teen mood swings in your home?
