I climbed into bed fully prepared to begin my favorite hour of the day—the quiet one, with my feet kicked up and my responsibilities turned off. Before Netflix had even loaded, my seventh-grader walked in and sat on the floor beside me. His watery eyes and quivering lips were a dead giveaway that he was holding back tears, but I had no idea what he was upset about.
When our kids are babies, it’s easy to learn their cues and cries: hungry, tired, bored, or a full diaper. Crying doesn’t end with the baby stage, but the source of tears becomes much harder to decipher. When the reason your kid is crying is a mystery to you, there are four strategies that can help you get to the bottom of things. Two are helpful when tears are flowing, and two can be done daily to help lay the groundwork for understanding your child better.
Be present.
My biggest inhibitor to being present is my phone. I have to consciously put it away if I want to be fully present with my kids. If you’re trying to get to the real reasons your kid is crying, giving them your full attention is an important step. If you’re not distracted, you might notice a heavy sigh or a moment when the tears become stronger.
The car is a great place to connect because you’re already in the same physical space. Try skipping the phone call or lowering the music and be intentionally present when your kids are in the car with you. Identifying the distractions (job, TV, hobbies, housework) that come between you and your kids will help open up opportunities for connection.
Dig deeper.
Digging deeper is usually the key to unlocking the reasons your kid is crying. The night my son was upset, I started with the typical first line of questioning: “What’s
wrong?” He shared that he was stressed about not knowing any of the logins at his new school, but I sensed there was more to it than that. I asked what it was about not knowing the logins that made him the most upset, and that’s when I got the full answer (and the reason for the tears)—he thought it would impact his grades.
Knowing the real reason for his tears allowed me to give him strategies that addressed the bigger issue that was actually bothering him. Our free printable feelings wheel can help you go deeper than some of the surface words kids might offer if you ask what’s wrong.
Get curious.
Every afternoon, when my kids get home from school, I ask them to rate their day from one to 10. That’s the easy part. The follow-up questions vary, but they’re always open-ended. What would’ve made it a 10? Why was today so much lower than yesterday? At what point in the day did you realize it wasn’t going to be a 10?
Their answers to simple questions are the clues that help piece together the bigger picture and overall mood.
Earn the right to be heard.
Becoming your child’s trusted space is one of the best ways to stay in tune with his or her physical and emotional highs and lows. Respect the information they share with you, and keep it private when they ask you to. Depending on the nature of the tears, it might be helpful (or necessary) to share with Dad what’s going on. Kids’ struggles and tears are personal, so respectfully keep what they share off of social media.
Don’t use their vulnerabilities against them. That seems obvious, but we can do it without even realizing it: embarrassing them in front of others, trivializing their insecurities, shaming them for their feelings. They won’t open up every time, but knowing they have a trusted source makes it far more likely. And the more they open up, the more likely you are to understand what’s making them cry.
What’s the most challenging part about seeing your kids cry?
