“Did Mrs. Reynolds call?” It’s the first thing my friend’s daughter Hailey asked when she got in the car after school. She’d gotten in trouble in science class and was checking to see if her teacher had followed through with her promise to phone her parents. My friend replied, “Yup.” Hailey immediately started crying and asked, “Are you going to tell Dad?” My friend said, “Yup.”
It can be tempting to keep your child’s secret from your husband to build trust or have a special understanding just between the two of you, but you’re parenting as a team, right? You’d want to know if your kids confided in your husband. Is this a one-size-fits-all situation, or should you keep your child’s secret from your spouse sometimes? Here are 4 scenarios and whether it’s right to stay quiet or time to share the truth.
1. A Bad Grade or a Call From the Teacher – Tell
If your son or daughter brings home a bad test score or you receive a phone call from a teacher, your husband deserves to know. In many homes, Mom is the one who monitors what’s happening at school, but fathers shouldn’t be kept in the dark.
In my friend’s situation, she knew her husband cared more about their daughter’s conduct than academics, so withholding the fact that she was acting out in science class felt like she was undermining him. As much pressure as there is on kids in school today, you and your husband need to be a united front, and keeping secrets isn’t going to achieve that.
2. A Personal Issue – Stay quiet, but…
A few months ago, I learned that my 8-year-old thinks a girl is pretty. I wouldn’t call it a crush. It’s Ginny Weasley from the Harry Potter movies. I’m not sure why, but he asked me not to tell his stepdad about his fondness for the redheaded wizard in training. I told him I wouldn’t say anything because it was so innocent and there are no risks. I wanted him to know he could talk to me about crushes or other personal things without it making its way to my husband.
Some girls beg their moms not to blab when they start their periods. It’s such an awkward time! For personal stuff like body issues and crushes, should you keep your child’s secret from your spouse? I think you tell your daughter you’ll keep it quiet, but hint to your husband privately and ask him to pretend like he doesn’t know. No need to tell brothers!
3. A Relationship – Tell
In high school, a friend of mine was dating a boy behind her father’s back. When the kid’s car broke down one night and she had to call her father from a payphone at a gas station, not only did her father lose trust in her, it hurt his relationship with his wife, who’d been keeping the information from him. He felt disrespected.
If your child asks you not to tell your husband he or she is dating, it should be a red flag. Either this is the wrong person to date, or it’s time to have a conversation about your family’s rules for dating.
4. Caught Doing Bad – Tell, but…
The creator of iMOM, Susan Merrill, would say, “Tell, but be careful with your timing.” One Friday night when her older son was in high school, she started mysteriously receiving all of his texts on her phone. All his conversations with friends were right there in front of her. She learned about some behaviors that warranted punishment, but she knew her husband wouldn’t be able to keep quiet about the texts and she wanted to gather more intel before confronting her son.
If your child gets into trouble, your husband needs and deserves to know. Often kids want to keep it a secret because Dad has a temper. If that’s the case, tell him privately and give him time to process alone before having him speak to your child.
But why are they asking to keep it a secret?
If your kids are asking you to keep secrets from your spouse, ask yourself and them why. Is it because she doesn’t want Dad to be disappointed in her? When her dad sees her mistakes and offers forgiveness, she’ll receive the security that comes from knowing the unconditional love of a father. Does your child think Dad is unfair or unreasonable? Then take the time to sit down with your husband and tell him the kids are putting up walls and things need to change.
Want more? This topic and story inspired an episode of the iMOM Podcast: “Please Don’t Tell Dad.” Listen and subscribe for new episodes every Monday.
Should you keep your child’s secret from your spouse? Are there times when it’s OK?
