It was 11:30 p.m. when I stood in the middle of our Gatlinburg, Tennessee hotel room and said, “Everyone take a deep breath.” My freshly COVID-positive husband was in bed, my older son was on the bathroom floor nauseated and crying, and my little one was laying in a chair with a single tear coming down his cheek. It was on me to stop the chaos from swirling. I went to the front desk, announced we’d be checking out early, packed everyone’s bags, and closed my eyes for about 45 minutes of sleep before our 11-hour drive home.
There are always going to be moments we aren’t prepared for and plans that get sidelined. When the inevitable happens, one of a mom’s most valuable assets is steadiness, because life with kids works better from a steady state. In their new book, Uncommon Influence, NFL Hall of Fame Coach Tony Dungy and his wife Lauren speak frankly about life in their house where, as Lauren says, “Controlled chaos is the best I can ever hope for.” She said there are 3 important choices she makes when she’s trying to handle bumps in the road and stay steady. You can choose them, too.
1. Receive reality as it arrives.
Ignoring reality or demanding to get your way isn’t a good use of a mother’s precious time and energy. In our Tennessee hotel room, I couldn’t just put my head under the covers. Lauren Dungy says that fostering 50 to 60 children over the years has helped her accept reality instead of trying to change it. She had a chance to practice this with a boy she and Coach Dungy fostered named Gypsy Guy. On at least half a dozen occasions, the little boy’s mother was scheduled for a custody hearing and didn’t show. Lauren wrote:
The morning of the hearing, Gypsy would look at me and say, “My mama’s not coming. She never comes.” I would do my best to reassure him, despite my fears that his intuition was right. Sure enough, each evening of those scheduled hearings, the social worker would pull up to our house … and upon hearing our doorbell ring, I’d find a small face smooshed against our front glass. Gypsy Guy was ours once more. “What’s for dinner, Mom Lauren?” he’d holler as he steamrolled us to get to the kitchen. “I’m starving.”
Reality can bring disappointment, heartache, or just inconvenience. But when we choose to receive it and move forward, sometimes just by making dinner, we provide a steady environment for our kids.
2. Talk to God.
I wish I prayed as much in calm moments as I do in moments of chaos, but my prayers spill out pretty freely when the world is melting down. My prayer just before midnight in our COVID-covered hotel room was, “God, give me strength. Then help me sleep.” But Lauren says she asks God three questions when she is trying to stay steady: What’s going on here? What is needed here? and How can I meet that need? That first question might not sound like a prayer, but as Lauren explained, it is:
Sometimes our emotions are so triggered by someone or something that we can’t see clearly what’s really going on. We’re in a frenzy of feelings, and it seems that with every passing second, we spiral more and more out of control. Asking God for divine insight to see the truth of the matter helps us discern a mountain from a molehill. It helps us know how to frame our response.
Choosing to pray when craziness is descending on your home might not feel productive, but it will steady you and allow your kids to see a much better version of their mom.
3. Use words well.
When my husband’s COVID test showed that second line, the words that came out of my mouth in front of my son were, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” That triggered his nerves and led him to the bathroom floor. A steadier me would’ve used words well: “OK. Let me figure out what we’re gonna do next.” Lauren gives ideas for what words to choose when we’re feeling a little let down by life but need to stay steady:
“I’m sorry.”
“Let me see if I’ve got this right.”
“Can you help me understand . . . ?”
“I’m feeling frustrated and should probably take a few deep breaths.”
“Can I have a moment to collect my thoughts?”
“How can I help?”
“What do you need?”
“Can I pray for us both right now?”
Choosing kind, thoughtful, or peaceful words might not be a reflex for you when things aren’t going as planned, but they can be a powerful tool for turning a situation around.
Which of these three choices that can lead to steadiness is most difficult when life is coming at you?
Read more of bestselling authors Lauren and Tony Dungy’s new book, Uncommon Influence: Saying Yes to a Purposeful Life, here.
