“He won’t move out. We’ve offered to take him to look at apartments. We’ve started charging him for groceries, but I think the problem is he’s scared because he doesn’t know how to be independent.” My friend vented to me about her 20-year-old son and admitted she wish she’d done things differently.
Since I have kids who are approaching that stage, I asked for her advice. “Help me! I love my kids, but I don’t want them living with me forever,” I said. She mentioned there’s some tough love involved, but some of what teaches kids how to be independent is mindset. It helps them to know in advance what life will be like when they reach that next stage. Here are 4 things she said she would’ve done to help her son be ready for independence.
But first, when should you have these conversations with your kids?
If your kids are just starting high school, a “failure to launch” in the college years or beyond might feel like a far off problem (or it might bring you comfort because you’re sad about them growing up). Still, it’s helpful to have these talks about the future. No kid wants to hear on graduation day that he’s being evicted.
The tone of these conversations should be hopeful and encouraging (so don’t use the word “evicted” if you can help it). Remind your kids you want what’s best for them and learning how to be independent is part of that process.
1. Be clear up front.
Outline your expectations before their college years even begin. If you’re providing a roof and tuition, make sure they know that as soon as they have the degree in hand, you’re turning over the responsibility to them. If your child knows he’ll be left to deal with the consequences of being unprepared to make the leap out of your home, that may help him make better choices along the way.
2. Set parameters.
Of course, it’s entirely possible that while your child looks for a job post-college, she needs a few months to get situated. But don’t welcome her back into the house under the same arrangement. Adult children need some form of employment, even if it’s just part time to help out with expenses. Hanging out at home all day while parents go to work is not an option. Also, set a time goal for when they’ll be out, and make sure that they understand that the first job you get out of college probably won’t be your dream job, so don’t be overly picky.
3. Encourage, but don’t indulge.
There are lots of things you can do to encourage your adult child while he “finds his place in the world.” But make sure you’re not indulging him to the point that it makes it that much harder to leave. Let him cook dinner for the family some nights, do his own laundry, and pull his weight like the other adults in the home.
4. Remind your child that you’re living your life, and he’s living his.
If you and your husband have patiently waited for these empty-nest years, don’t forfeit them just because your kid has returned. Want to travel? Go ahead. Want to have friends over and entertain? Have at it. It’s your home and your life. This mindset will also (hopefully) help your child see that independence is a goal to aim for.
What are some other ways to teach your teen how to be independent?
