After quietly waking my 12-year-old son for an early morning appointment, I moved across the room, sat next to my younger son’s bed, and watched him sleep. I looked at his cheeks, his nose, his eyebrows. I just took him in and felt peace. Have you ever had that feeling when you look at your kids while they sleep?
Little moments like this have a name: glimmers. They’re like triggers (but good ones!). Triggers are cues to a threat, while glimmers are cues to feel safe and calm. What if you could name your glimmers and then use them to push away anxiety and stress and find more joy in motherhood? Here’s why glimmers are so powerful and examples of some you might find in your own life.
What exactly are glimmers?
The term glimmer is relatively new. It was coined in a book by Deb Dana, LCSW, The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. That’s a mouthful, but it’s easy to understand. Your nervous system is constantly responding to stimuli. Sometimes, it tells you to freeze, sometimes it tells you to run or fight, and sometimes (as is the case with glimmers), it tells you to feel safe and connected. Glimmers can be experiences, people, or environments.
Triggers send your nervous system into fight-or-flight mode. If you’ve struggled with food, you might be triggered when a friend talks about the new diet she’s trying. Or if you grew up with a parent who yelled, you might flip when your husband raises his voice at the kids. When you know your triggers, you can try to avoid situations in which you anticipate them happening. The same (but opposite) is true for glimmers. By identifying your glimmers, or these things that bring you comfort, you can look for them and move toward them.
Why are they so powerful?
As Deb Dana says, “Well-being is not simply the absence of problems, but also the presence of strengths.” Adulthood has its share of problems—your son is frustrated over math homework, your daughter is going through friend drama, you realize you forgot to pay your credit card bill, and work just stinks right now—and glimmers can be a source of strength that you can use when you’re stressed, fearful, or just overwhelmed. Knowing your glimmers can help tell your body everything will be OK.
What are some mom glimmers?
A quiet house after the kids are tucked in
A hug from your child
When you take cinnamon rolls fresh out of the oven and the kids come running
Cracking open your journal
Your favorite praise and worship song
A Bible verse
Your child’s face as she sleeps
Overhearing your kids getting along
The smell of your husband’s shirt when he gets home from work
A lit candle
Another mom telling you you’re doing a great job
Dinner around the dining room table
Hearing your child sing
The sound of the garage door opening (Dad’s home!)
Wrapping up in a blanket with a warm mug of coffee
Petting the dog
Pushing your child on the swings
Making a new mom friend
Snuggles and talks at bedtime
What do you do with glimmers?
First, you have to identify your glimmers. Some might be on that list, but think about moments that tell your heart that all is right with the world. To do this, you’ll need to slow down, tune into your senses, observe how you feel, and write down the things that make you feel calm, peaceful, joyful, and loved.
It’s hard to manufacture a glimmer. Most have to happen organically. When you experience a glimmer, pause, rest in it, and pass that feeling on to your family. That part will happen organically. They’ll notice Mom’s a little more patient and less irritable. You might even notice a change in your kids’ behavior and the tone in your home. All thanks to a few glimmers.
Now that you know more about glimmers, tell us one of yours in the comments.
