I stared at my counselor on my computer screen and heard her say, “What you’re going through right now is really hard.” I nodded and agreed with an “I know,” and she questioned me. “Do you really?” I paused and wondered if I’d given myself the same space for sadness, anger, confusion—all the emotions that come with divorce—as I’d given other people. Or did I expect myself to be tougher, more resilient, or wiser?
Women often fail to extend the same compassion to themselves as they do to others, and I think single moms are particularly guilty of this. But practicing self-compassion can be transformational. Not only can it change your relationship with yourself, but that change can also spill over to your children. Here’s what practicing self-compassion really is and 20 thoughts to get you on the right track.
What exactly is self-compassion?
The word compassion means “to suffer with.” When you have compassion for someone, you offer understanding and kindness and accept that the person is human. Using that description, can you see how far so many of us are from showing self-compassion? Dr. Kristin Neff is widely recognized as one of the world’s leading experts on the subject. As she puts it, “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings—after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
One of the main elements of self-compassion is mindfulness. That’s what my therapist was going after with her question: “Do you really?” Mindfulness requires us to observe our thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to deny them. We can’t ignore our pain and practice self-compassion at the same time.
Why might single moms struggle with practicing self-compassion?
Many single moms feel like they have something to prove. I often thought, “I know I’m not expected to be perfect, but I have this label on me that screams ‘broken,’ so I need to do what I can to show that I’m just as good as any other mom.”
Being a single mom can feel incredibly isolating. Even though it’s untrue, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only person suffering. Self-compassion means recognizing that in our shared humanity, everyone suffers, which can bring comfort.
Try a few of these 20 self-compassionate thoughts.
1. What I’m going through is difficult.
2. No one expects me to be perfect.
3. I don’t always have to appear strong.
4. I’m doing a great job.
5. It’s OK for me to feel this emotion and stay in it for a little while.
6. I wonder why I feel this way. Let me think about it.
7. I forgive myself.
8. What would I say to a friend in this situation?
9. I am not the only person who’s suffering.
10. I deserve a break.
11. It’s OK to ask for help.
12. No one is judging me.
13. I love myself.
14. I deserve love.
15. My kids love me for me, not for what I do for them.
16. What do I need right now?
17. What brings me joy and peace?
18. Mistakes are normal. I’ll learn from my mistakes.
19. I have strengths and weaknesses and that’s OK.
20. I am enough.
Which of these self-compassionate thoughts do you need to tell yourself most often and why?
