“When my kids were young, I made them do chores before they could watch TV.” “Nurse that baby, honey. It’s the best thing for her.” We’ve all heard unsolicited advice like this from well-meaning family members, friends, and even complete strangers. When the advice comes with a tone of criticism, and you’re left feeling small, it’s time to put up boundaries.
And how about the relative who disciplines your child in front of you? Or the person who gives your kids sweets before dinner or uses language that goes against your values? How can you be both firm and loving with the people with whom you and your child are going to have a lifelong relationship? Here are 4 kinds of intrusive family members—and how to enforce healthy boundaries with them.
The Overly Helpful
This is the person who always has more advice to offer than is helpful. Acknowledge that this person has more experience than you at parenting, and don’t take it as criticism for yourself.
Say something like, “I appreciate your experience and the years of lessons you’ve learned while raising your children. I’ve really thought about how best to handle this situation, but I will certainly consider coming to you the next time I’m not sure what to do.”
The Critical
This is the person whose “advice” makes you feel small and inept. Most likely, you’ve had a history with this person’s criticisms. You will need to be bold in confronting him or her. Anyone’s criticism of your parenting in front of your children isn’t healthy.
That conversation needs to happen away from your children and may sound like, “I know you don’t approve of how I handle certain things, but you’re going to have to keep your comments to yourself while you’re here with us.”
The Self-Imposed Discipliner
When my daughter was around 6, my dad smacked her right in front of me. It happened before I had a chance to handle the situation myself. I had to pull my dad aside and tell him firmly that it wasn’t OK that he stepped in to discipline her in front of me and it also was not OK that he hit her. I told him I didn’t want him to ever do that again.
The whole time, I was shaking inside (after all, this is the man whose raised eyebrows turned me to jelly as a kid), but I knew I had to choose my daughter over my fear. Then, a little later in the day, I talked privately with my daughter and explained that it wasn’t OK that Grandpa had hit her and that I had told him so. I also explained that her behavior was not OK, either.
The Inappropriate Gift-Giver
Having to watch your child’s eyes fill with surprise and joy as an oblivious relative gives him a violent video game you will have to take away is no fun. You’ve just been set up, albeit unintentionally, as the bad guy. The best way to handle this situation is to do it immediately.
Kindly thank the relative and explain that this type of gift is something you’ve decided you don’t want for your child. The giver will be embarrassed and your child will be angry. Validate the giver as generous and express how grateful you are for that generosity. Suggest that you all go together to exchange it for something that does meet your approval.
When have you had to have boundaries with intrusive relatives?
