One evening, my husband made the mistake of asking what else I needed from him before he could sit on the couch and veg. Bless his heart. The pressure had been building, and I rattled off a litany of things that had to happen before I felt free to relax. When I got to “figure out how to get the kids to floss more,” he knew this wasn’t the typical to-do list. It was the invisible load of motherhood, and it was weighing on me.
No matter how involved our husbands are, moms almost always carry a greater burden, and the burden is often unseen. It’s the constant awareness of what our kids need, physically and emotionally, and I think it starts when we get a positive pregnancy test. I don’t think it will ever go away, but it can get lighter. Here’s how the invisible load of motherhood weighs on most moms and how to ease the burden.
What does the invisible load of motherhood feel like?
The invisible load of motherhood weighs on us physically…
Like tired arms from holding kids who you should put down but you know they’re only little for so long.
Like hustling around the kitchen packing lunches (and remembering what everyone likes and dislikes), while prepping dinner, while settling a fight over a hair tie, while quizzing to prepare for the spelling bee.
It weighs on us mentally…
Like having a mental inventory of all the household supplies and needs from toilet paper to tortilla chips.
Like knowing you need to email the teacher to tell her you’ll be signing your child out early for a doctor’s appointment.
It weighs on us emotionally…
Like your daughter who sits alone at lunch.
Like the offhand comment your son made this morning about not having the on-trend shoes. Somehow it pops in your mind while you’re standing at the breakroom microwave warming up your lunch. You feel guilty that you can’t afford to buy your kids whatever they want. Then you feel silly for feeling that way because you know that would spoil them. Then you wonder if your kids are spoiled anyway and you think about how to help them learn the value of hard work.
Where are the dads?
Is it my husband’s fault I carry the invisible load of motherhood? Is it your husband’s fault you carry yours? I don’t think so. My husband is very involved at home, but no matter how much he offers to carry, I’ll always carry more. It’s the nature of motherhood. It’s a burden I’m privileged to carry, but still, I get tired.
It can’t be removed completely, nor do we want it to, but it can be managed. Here’s how.
1. Remember the phase they’re in.
Don’t give up on asking for respect from your teen, but release some of the emotional burden by remembering he’s at a difficult age and it won’t last forever.
2. Automate what you can.
Set the kids’ next dentist appointments before you leave the current one, put things you buy regularly on auto ship, and use chore charts like this one to help your kids manage their own responsibilities.
3. Release some control to your husband.
Put him in charge of gifts for birthday parties. If the invitation is on the fridge, it’s his job to research what the child wants and to make the purchase.
4. Announce what you do.
You don’t have to make your kids feel guilty, but you can kindly (and calmly) say things like, “I can’t watch this show with you until the laundry is done.” They might even jump in to help.
5. Don’t procrastinate.
Some mental burdens are there because we put off a task. Don’t wait to send the email about the parent-teacher conference. When it pops into your mind, stop what you’re doing and get it done.
6. Accept good enough.
Once you find a children’s vitamin you like, stop researching. You could probably find something better, but what you’ve picked is good enough, so move on.
7. Get emotional support.
Talk it out with friends. A group of moms sharing their individual loads somehow lightens everyone’s.
8. Pray.
I have pinned up in my kitchen, “Cast your burdens on the Lord because He cares for you.” Don’t underestimate the power of asking God to help you with the things you can’t carry. He wants to carry them for you.
How do you feel the invisible load of motherhood?
