“She’s putting her hand in front of her face in every photo. It’s the weirdest thing.” My friend Kristi told me her 12-year-old daughter, Claire, admitted she doesn’t want her face to be seen in photos because she’s self-conscious about her smile. Now, her friends do it because they “think it’s cute.” Apparently, Claire is a trendsetter!
Kristi said she didn’t know where Claire got the idea until she came across an article about “nose cover.” Apparently, tweens and teens are silently protesting having their picture taken by putting their hands in front of their noses and mouths. But it’s not just this generation’s bunny ears. Here’s why kids are covering their noses and what steps a mom can take to see her kid’s face again.
Why are kids covering their noses?
When our kids cop attitudes, our kneejerk reaction is to say stop, but we should also ask why. That might get you “because I don’t want you to take my picture,” which is obvious, but keep digging. “Tell me why not. I’ll listen.”
One reason behind nose cover is that teens find their friends’ embarrassing family photos and post them in group chats. So, if you snap a picture of everyone gathered around Grandma for her birthday dinner at Olive Garden, doing nose cover is your daughter’s way of protecting herself from being roasted by her peers.
And some kids are just tired of having their photos taken. Even though they’re constantly taking their own photos, having moms put their phones in their faces is a different story. Then there’s the possibility that when your awkward kid woke up today, her hair wouldn’t sit right, and her face looked extra oily, so she doesn’t want to commemorate the occasion. Even though nose cover is disrespectful, these are all legitimate reasons to push back on being in a photo.
So respect her boundaries, but…
Just because she opens up about why she’s covering her face doesn’t mean you have to agree never to take her picture again. You’re the parent, she’s the child, and there’s still a level of respect and participation that’s expected of her.
That might mean you snap one or two photos with her in it and then let her off the hook. Or look at how much of her life you’re posting on your feed, and ask yourself if you can dial that back a bit.
Then remind yourself…
Your child is starting to exercise her independence. Diana Divecha, Ph.D. explains, “When teens feel over-controlled or coerced, it can trigger ‘autonomy threat,’ which shuts down their willingness to collaborate or engage.” She isn’t trying to threaten your authority. She’s maturing. Unfortunately, how she’s expressing it is rude and rubbing you the wrong way.
So, instead of pulling the reins of control even tighter, try to see this behavior for what it is, and respond in a way that respects her desire for independence. If you want to post a photo on Instagram, show it to her first and say, “This is a good one. You cool if I post it?”
If you have a child who’s rebelling, check out these 5 must-haves.
And never withhold love.
The wrong way to respond is to yell, “You’re ruining the picture!” and then give your child the cold shoulder because you’re frustrated. Divecha explains, “Teens do better when they are allowed to express their opinions freely… without being made to feel that their relationship with their parent is threatened.”
The next time you get a huff and “c’mon, Mom!” when you pull out your phone to snap a photo, try calmly saying, “I hear you. I just want one picture because I love you, and I want to capture these memories with you.” Then, honor that by taking one photo, smiling, and moving on.
But see it as an opportunity to grow closer instead of further apart.
I get it. You probably want to scream, “You can post 20 selfies a day, but I can’t take one picture of you?” Instead of telling her she’s selfish, step into her space. Realize the image-focused world she lives in, and (even if she’s feeding the monster) let your heart feel compassion for her.
Institute some phone-free zones or times for both of you. Be a refuge for your child—a place where she doesn’t have to be “on”—and you might find that the smile she gives you is the exact memory you’re trying to capture.
What do your kids do when they don’t want their picture taken? How do you respond?
