My dad got my mom hubcaps for Christmas one year. I was young, barely a tween, but I remember sensing that he’d made a serious error in judgment. Now that I’m a mom, my own mother’s Christmas disappointment hits close to home. Moms often get gifts we don’t want, or ones we’ve picked out and conveniently provided a link to, or no gift at all.
Don’t get me wrong. I know Christmas isn’t about gifts. It’s just that moms do so much that it’s easy to feel shorted by the lack of reciprocation. So, what do we do to reframe how we see Christmas? How can we set ourselves up for a better experience and less Christmas disappointment this year?
1. Name the real issue.
If you and your husband share a bank account, the excitement of Christmas morning isn’t about the gift itself. After all, it’s your money too, and you can buy that bracelet you’ve been eyeing. The Christmas disappointment you feel when you get shorted comes from the realization (or presumption) that no one thought of you.
Once you claim the truth—“I want to be thought of!”—you can consider what thoughtfulness can look like other than gift-giving. For me, that looks like my family tidying up what we call the “KDL” (kitchen/dining/living room) every night so my house has a peaceful Christmas feeling instead of a Christmas chaos vibe.
2. Ask your husband to carry more of the load.
Part of the reason getting a robe (again) stings is because you’ve been running on all cylinders for everyone else. You’ve exhausted yourself to meet the needs of your family. It’s easy to snap when you’re over-extended and feel a twinge of disappointment.
Talk it out with your husband in advance. Look for ways he can help lighten your load. Let him address Christmas cards or put the lights on the tree. Maybe this year he wraps all the gifts. Just look the other way, and wait to adjust the bow placement ’til he’s not looking.
3. If you’re feeling unappreciated, reevaluate what actually needs to be done.
Sometimes, Christmas disappointment has been building since mid-November because one thing after another has left us feeling unappreciated. We bake cookies for school, and instead of “Thanks, Mom!” we get “I wanted ones shaped like snowflakes, not ornaments.” We make popcorn and hot cocoa with sprinkles for an epic movie night, and they ask if they can go hang with friends. We shop for the perfect gifts for everyone in the family and then get served an attitude because “She got more than me!”
Not everything needs to get done, especially if you’re growing resentful as you check the boxes. This Christmas, before you plan an activity or say yes to another dozen cookies, ask yourself two questions: Will this ultimately bring joy? And, if the answer is yes, could I give it to another family member to do?
4. Notice the gifts you did receive.
The truth is, the presents under the tree are a distraction from the gifts that really matter at Christmas. My wish list includes memory-making experiences with my kids, like baking cookies, reciting all of the lines as we watch Home Alone, and driving around looking at lights with cups of hot cocoa. My list has meals together with cousins and grandparents. It has all of us sitting together at church on Christmas Eve.
When I think about what I really want, it turns out that by the time December 25th arrives, I’ve been getting Christmas gifts for weeks.
Have you ever felt shorted on Christmas? What helped you process that feeling?
