Have you ever heard of a glass child? The term’s used for siblings of kids who need special attention, and they’re called “glass” because parents will often unintentionally look right through them while caring for another kid with a physical or mental illness, a learning disorder, or some other demanding concern.
I immediately thought of my daughter. I thought of all the missed birthday parties and play dates because of my son, who has pediatric acute-onset neuropsychiatric syndrome, or PANS. I thought of his appointments, which my daughter tagged along for. I thought about our kitchen cabinets, filled with foods that meet my son’s dietary restrictions. His needs have taken a toll on our family, especially our daughter, but she and all kids with siblings with specific or unique needs deserve to be seen. Here are 5 ways to avoid creating a glass child.
1. Carve out quality one-on-one time with each of them.
One-on-one time is important for all kids, but it’s especially beneficial when you have a child who gets a lot of necessary extra attention. Obviously, it addresses the biggest issue with a glass child—the need to feel seen. When you set aside time to do what your kids want to do, they’ll feel loved and appreciated. It can be anything from taking them out for lunch, going to a playground or shopping together, or just going for a walk or bike ride. The important thing is that you focus all your attention on them.
2. Help your child understand and feel like part of the team.
It’s helpful if siblings know why their brother or sister needs special attention. This is especially true when the issue is not visible. Challenges like learning disorders and mental illnesses aren’t immediately apparent to young kids, but you can still explain the situation to your other children in an age-appropriate way. If kids know what’s going on, they’ll be more sympathetic about extra appointments and missed activities. You don’t have to burden them with responsibilities, but inviting kids to share in the care of their siblings can help them grow in empathy and compassion.
3. Ask friends with kids to watch them while you take your child with unique needs to appointments.
We have a close friend who has a daughter with cerebral palsy. She often drops off her older children with friends so they don’t have to sit in the doctor’s office every time their sister has an appointment. The kids love playing together, and many moms are happy to help. I know my kids are always better-behaved and easier to entertain when they have friends over (since they entertain each other). So I always tell my friend she’s doing me a favor by dropping off her kids every few weeks. It can be hard to ask for help even when we really need it, but we were never meant to do this alone.
4. Support their interests.
My daughter loves to dance, so we’ve put a lot of time and resources into ballet lessons for her. If your kid has a particular interest, invest time to encourage it. When you need to spend so much time driving to and from appointments, it can be hard to find the time to do anything else, but exploring your kids’ interests with them helps them see how important they are to you.
5. Encourage your children to express themselves through play or art.
Tune into how your child is expressing him or herself. After our son was diagnosed with PANS, our pediatrician recommended keeping an eye on our daughter’s artwork, especially when she drew pictures of her family. When kids are young, artwork and how they play are great ways to see what’s going on in their heads. Our daughter would draw pictures of my husband and me with her alone—a sign that she needed more of our attention. And as kids age, they can use journals and drawings to process their feelings.
How can you show each of your children that you love them uniquely?
P.S. You’re doing a challenging job. We see you—the sacrifices you make, the weight you carry, and the love you pour into your family.
