“You should be eating more green things,” I told my pickiest child one morning while I unpacked and repacked her lunch, which had been full of junk food. She groaned and walked away like something from The Walking Dead.
Do your kids react this way when you’re simply trying to teach them the right way to do things—and for their own good, I might add? It could be possible that, with the best intentions, we are smothering our kids with “shoulds.” Here’s why you shouldn’t say “should,” plus a few alternatives to get a better result for everyone.
1. “Should” feels discouraging.
“Stop shoulding on yourself” is a famous saying made popular by Dr. Albert Ellis, a well-known American psychologist from the late 20th century. Like another common “sh” word, it implies you are subjecting yourself to something (ahem) unpleasant.
Ironically, even though we say “you should” to encourage our kids to go in the right direction, it tends to discourage them. Kids interpret it another way: “You need to do this differently or you’re doing it wrong, and you don’t have my approval.” Over time, they may believe they can’t meet our expectations and begin to tune us out, especially when we give advice. Ouch.
2. “Should” slows growth.
Most of us agree that experience is the best teacher, yet we try to prevent our kids from having difficult or painful experiences. While there’s nothing wrong with protecting your children from harm, too many “shoulds” give them little room to think for themselves.
“Oh, but you don’t know my kid,” you say. “He’s going to make the wrong choice, and it’s going to be a big struggle.” That’s OK—good even! When we smother kids in “should,” we unintentionally steal their opportunity to struggle with a choice and learn from it.
3. “Should” feels like there is only one way to do things.
At a time in my life when I was overwhelmed with responsibility, I quit one of my two part-time jobs. As I adjusted to the change, a neighbor told me, “You quit the wrong job. You should’ve quit the other one.” I remember thinking, How do you know what’s best for me?
It’s natural for both adults and kids to want to make their own choices. When people tell us what we should do, we feel that choice is taken away. What’s best in their mind is forced upon us—it feels restrictive, even suffocating at times. Kids need room to be themselves, even when their choices don’t seem like the best ones to us.
4. You can still guide your kids without “shoulding.”
If you’re like me, you’re picturing life without “shoulds,” and all you see are kids running out into traffic, eating candy for dinner, and skipping classes. But we’re not talking about safety issues and things that are a flat-out “no, you may not.” We’re talking about avoiding the “shoulds”—the personal choices. And even in these cases, you can still guide your kids (Lord knows they need adult advice!). They will listen and feel differently about your guidance if you approach it in another way.
Try replacing “you should” with, “I wonder if.” For example, instead of saying that “you should have put more effort into that homework assignment,” you could say, “I wonder if you would have earned a higher grade if you had put more effort into it.”
5. “We should” is the one exception.
“We should” is the one exception because it’s often used for dreaming and planning with someone. “When that movie comes out, we should go see it!” or “We should go to Hawaii next summer!” These are fun “shoulds.”
However, “we should” can sometimes be used in a passive-aggressive way, like when “we” really means “you.” For example, your son gets dressed for a friend’s wedding and he comes out wearing shorts and a T-shirt. Instead of glaring at him and saying, “We should all dress up,” you could say, “I would prefer if you dressed up for this special occasion.”
Do you think you use “should” positively or negatively?
