Sitting on top of that huge dirt pile with the neighborhood kids and my Princess Leia figure in hand doesn’t feel like a decades-old memory. Neither does racing my friend on our banana-seat bikes. But we all had a lot of freedom back then. I got to make my own decisions, problem-solve, and explore. But with my own kids, I don’t parent the same way my parents raised me.
A lot of us parent out of fear. I know I have. But I have a teenager now, and I’m starting to see the effects of overparenting, namely in his confidence. The good news is, if you’ve been overparenting too, it’s never too late to make changes. Incorporate these 5 things into your parenting routine and you’ll better prepare your kids for life.
1. Give more responsibility.
I’ve realized as my kids have gotten older that I do more for them than I should. They’re teens now, so I’m trying to pull back more and give them more responsibilities. Doing so tells them I trust they can do things without me. And this, in turn, builds their confidence.
Julie Lythcott-Haims, a former college dean, writes in her book How to Raise an Adult that at her university, students were “reliant on their parents in ways that felt, simply off.” She continues, saying, “[W]e’re supposed to raise them—to parent them—in a manner that inculcates in them a sense of how to be an adult in the world, in age-appropriate ways, beginning in early childhood.” You can start giving your child more responsibilities by having him make his own lunch, wash his own clothes, and manage his own deadlines.
2. Teach life skills.
My ninth grader texted me that he didn’t know whether he should stay after for math help because he’d figured out the homework. I wrote back, “Up to you! You know the situation!” In the end, he decided not to stay. For a rather simple situation like this one, it’s easy to put the decision-making back on your child. Making decisions for himself and problem-solving are two life skills kids need to develop.
Emerging data about kids’ poor mental health, according to Lythcott-Haims, results from “asking so little of our kids when it comes to life skills.” They’re stressed and “have no resilience…to cope with that stress.” Kids may want our help in the moment, but the process of figuring things out on their own is a life skill. They’ll use it later in life when they’re deciding on a career path or who to date.
3. Limit criticism.
“You missed a spot.” My then-8-year-old leaned forward toward the mirror as I pointed to his gumline. Then I took the brush and finished the job myself. When my kids started bringing me the brush without even trying, I knew my criticism had gone too far. I’d parented out of fear of cavities and my kids’ self-confidence had taken a hit. It took time to restore that confidence, and I’m reminding myself to bite my tongue when I feel like correcting or criticizing. Overparenting seems to stem from fear as well as a need for perfection. Being aware of that can help you reign it in.
4. Check your ego.
When my daughter finally launched off the starting block into the pool with a nice arcing dive, my eyes pricked with tears. It had taken months of running around to practices, but I felt grateful her effort had finally paid off.
Lythcott-Haims says many of us are “doing parenting” the same way we did college or work—by throwing ourselves at it “full bore.” But maybe pouring more of ourselves into parenting isn’t the approach we should take. If we want to reverse the effects of overparenting, we need to check our egos at the door and give kids the freedom to fail. Stepping back is hard to do, but it’ll teach kids what they need to do on their own to succeed.
5. Offer space and trust.
I like knowing what my kids are up to, but I’m trying to break free of overparenting and give them a bit more space. If I constantly monitor their activities, they’re not practicing decision-making and they’re not developing the autonomy they’ll need in the real world. Laying the groundwork for trust and then gradually stepping back tells our kids they’re capable of accomplishing things without us.
Even though overparenting often stems from love, do you think it’s more about the kids’ successes or how we look because of them?
