My twins wanted a magician for their birthday party. Hosting a magical birthday party was already out of my budget, but I said yes because of single mom guilt. Now I had the pressure of paying for a magician. I called the company, but he was booked, so I had to say no. I felt like I was letting my twins down but was thankful to save the money.
It’s especially hard to say no as a single mom because it can feel like another disappointment to your children. Saying no to children doesn’t feel good, but here are 4 things you teach them when you do.
1. How to Process Disappointments
I remember a trip to the toy store when my twins were toddlers. When I said we had to leave, they took off screaming, crying, and running through the store. I then had to chase two kids, which is no easy feat.
I’ve seen adults and older children throw fits when they don’t get what they want because they are unable to process disappointments. These behaviors can be unhealthy and at times embarrassing. Saying no to children is great practice for processing disappointments that will inevitably come later in life. As their mom, you are a safe person who can listen, help them process their emotions, and then show them how to move forward. As your kids learn to bounce back from disappointment, they’ll build resilience.
2. To Develop More Trust in You
“You’re so mean! You just don’t understand!” I yelled this at my parents when I was younger. Many times I responded in anger when my parents didn’t allow me to do what my friends could do or what I wanted to do. However, over time I realized that my parents didn’t say no to be mean. They had my best interest at heart.
Saying no to children is part of the process of teaching them they don’t know everything—even though they think they do. Of course, this takes time, sometimes years. Coupling the no with an age-appropriate explanation teaches them there is a bigger picture you’re looking at, you care about them, and you want the best for them.
3. To Think Longer Term
My twins and I were in the store one day and they started to ask for toys. I said no because it wasn’t in the budget. As a single mom, the issue of our budget came up often. They were saving their money for something they wanted, so we talked about budgeting and how spending the money now could impact what they could buy later.
This is an important life lesson that isn’t limited to finances. When you say no and talk about why, you could be helping your child learn that doing what they want in the moment can have repercussions. Thinking longer term and learning the value of saying no helps kids navigate peer pressure and set their priorities.
4. To Manage Competing Responsibilities
There was a day when my kids were invited to a birthday party at the same time as a church group activity. I wanted them to do both but had to choose. After all, every yes has a corresponding no.
We are human and can’t do everything we’d like to do. When this happens, we may have to choose between two good things. You can use these moments to teach your children how to make decisions between two (or more) things they’d like. Explain why you had to choose, describe the two options, and then explain how you decided. This helps provide an initial framework for your child to use to make decisions going forward.
How do the benefits of saying no to children help you to have more peace?
