“I lost my plume!” my son cried, racing down the bleachers in his shiny black shoes. In a sea of uniformed marching band members, my son looked frantic. His cap had no feathery spiral. The plume had been loose for weeks and now, he either had to find the plume or admit to his director that he lost it. Fast forward to the end of the football game—he didn’t find the plume. Gulp.
If my child were 5, I’d probably help out. But at 15? If our teens don’t face uncomfortable feelings and sort through tricky situations on their own, they’ll have a much harder time when they’re in college and beyond. Here are 6 times doing less for teens is giving your teens independence and preparing them for life.
1. When You Let Them Face Their Problems
Stern in demeanor and formidable in size, the band director intimidated even his most talented students’ parents. My skinny, quiet freshman obviously had no desire to upset him. But he had to tell him he lost the plume in his hat. I thought he would dissolve into a puddle of sweat as he agonized about how and when he’d approach this man.
We’ve probably all seen our kids in similar situations, and it’s miserable not only for them but for us too. Instead of fixing the problem for him, let your child do it. It may not turn out perfectly the first few times he tries to problem-solve on his own, but he’ll learn and improve. Don’t delay the process of giving your teen independence. Let him start now.
2. When You Avoid Criticizing Them
When my teen daughter fell behind on her homework after attending a field trip, my thoughts consisted of criticisms: Why didn’t you find out what you missed? How could you forget to make up this work? But I tried not to voice these thoughts and instead empathized and encouraged.
It’s more important to connect and empathize with your teen than to pick her apart. We don’t want to contribute to a negative inner voice. Let her hear your positive words instead so they become part of her thoughts. You can figure this out. It’s not too late to bring up your grade.
3. When You Listen Rather Than Advise
Unless your teen asks for advice or his well-being is at stake, don’t give it. Many times, teens just want to be heard. With my son, it’s surprising—he often works through things on his own just by speaking out loud. Letting your teen think for himself shows you believe in his ability to work through a problem. You don’t have to abandon your teen, but by empathetically listening, you’re giving support without telling him what to do or how to feel. This fosters teen independence.
4. When You Put Decision-Making on Them
My daughter still has a few weeks to decide which activities she’ll pursue next semester. Doing too much last year made it hard to excel at schoolwork. So, she’ll have to decide. As they grow older, teens need more practice making decisions for themselves, especially those that impact their free time and their future. “It’s up to you,” I told her. “I’ll support your decision.”
5. When You Leave Deadlines and Details to Them
My younger teen is getting better at reaching deadlines, but she’s not perfect. However, I’d rather she miss an assignment, follow up with her teacher herself, and learn from the experience than constantly remind and nag her to meet deadlines. When we do too much for our kids, we send the message that they aren’t capable of anything without us. Is that really want we want?
6. When You Give Them More Responsibilities
“We’re out of milk,” my 15-year-old said. “Mom, when can you get some?” This is a question I’ve heard a lot lately, and with each utterance, I’m reminded to get my son signed up for driver’s ed.
Whether it’s driving, talking to teachers, or helping out around the house, you can give your teens more responsibilities to build their self-reliance and independence. It may be hard at first to give up some control, especially if you’re used to doing things for your child. But the more you can hand over to your adolescent, the more confidence he’ll gain and the better prepared he’ll be for adulthood. Print out our free Teen Driving Contract when you’re ready to hand over the keys!
How do you give your teen independence in her day-to-day life?
