I blinked in the darkness, listening to my husband breathe. He’d fallen asleep ages ago and, tired as I was, I couldn’t succumb to the sleep I desperately needed. I kept picturing horrible scenarios in my head: my daughter falling off our condo’s balcony, her not waking up in the morning, slipping out of my grip and running in front of a truck, or tumbling off a bridge and being carried away by the current. Rare and somewhat outrageous fears, I know. But my head spun thinking about these things and my heart broke every time my mind went there.
Can you relate? New moms have these fears, but I still had them as my kids got older and went to school. I worried about their safety when they were away from me, and I lay awake wondering if I’d taught them well enough how to handle any dangers that might lurk on the playground or in the school’s restroom. I drove myself crazy! After much reflection, I realized I’m not alone in these fears, but there were things I could do to help myself fare better. I’m working on it and doing better. Here are 5 ways you too can keep the mom fear at bay.
1. Ask yourself: What’s the worst thing that could happen—and how likely is it to happen?
Sometimes, by addressing the worst-case scenario—such as your child running into oncoming traffic—you’re able to recognize the unlikelihood of this sort of thing even happening. You always hold her hand near roads, and she’s learned not to chase balls into the street. Playing out these scenarios helps reassure us of our capabilities in daunting situations, and they help prepare us for rare instances when they might occur. It’s OK to let your mind go there if it’s working out game plans and solving crises before they happen. Knowing we’re prepared to handle threatening situations can make the fear less intense.
2. Talk about it.
Keeping the mom fear inside sometimes makes it grow. When I can’t take it anymore, I talk to my mom or my husband. Usually, when I voice my mom fears, they sound a little wacky and it makes them less powerful. Also, my mom and husband are great at dispelling my fears and reassuring me of my capabilities. Is there someone you trust with your fears to help you get them under control? If these fears get so bad they impede normal functioning during the day, it might be time to talk to a professional.
3. Turn it positive.
Dwelling on worst-case scenarios or worrying about what will happen keeps your brain spinning. If you’re trying to fall asleep, count all the good things that happened that day. List all the blessings you have in your life. If the mom fears come during the day, try flipping the switch by writing things down in a gratitude journal. Seeing the list in writing can help balance the weight of your fears.
Want to hear a crazy example of turning fear into a positive? Listen to the iMOM Podcast episode, “The Sky is Falling: How to Avoid Parenting Out of Fear.” Susan and Megan tell the story of their near-death experience on a small airplane. Subscribe to get new episodes every Monday.
4. Prepare them well.
As babies turn into toddlers, and toddlers into sturdy school-age kids, review safety procedures frequently—everything from not eating dishwasher detergent tabs to not getting in a stranger’s car. Preparing them well will ease our minds of fears we may still cling to as the kids grow. Teaching them not to touch a wasp and reminding them not to cross the yellow line on the subway platform gives kids the tools to stay safe as they grow up and gain more autonomy.
5. Give up the worry to God.
In Mitch Albom’s new book, The Stranger in the Lifeboat, survivors of a sunken ship are joined on the lifeboat by a man who claims to be God. One of the passengers begs him to do something to help because they’re so worried. The stranger says, “Worry is something you create.” The woman asks him, “Why would we create worry?” The stranger replies, “To fill a void.” She responds, “A void of what?” And he answers, “Faith.”
Sometimes I can’t sleep at night, so caught up in worry about one child or the other. In those moments, I’m trying to remember to give up my worries to God. Faith needs to fill the hole that worry has created. So far, it has helped me find rest.
How do you keep your mom fears at bay? What advice do you have for others?
