“He told me I’m fat.” My 9-year-old looked at me with a shameful look on his face. He’d just hung out with a boy who will remain nameless because I haven’t mentioned the incident to his mom yet. I probably never will. As much as I want to call her and say, “Hey, I know how you’re raising your kids, and this behavior isn’t in line with that, so you should know,” I’m going to keep it to myself.
Do you think I’m doing the right thing? How do you talk to a parent about her child’s bad behavior when you’re not sure how she’ll react? Better yet, when is confronting another parent called for? If safety is an issue, yes, say something. But here are 3 other filters to run the situation through to help you decide when it’s right to tell Mom and when you should keep the issue to yourself.
Filter 1: Is this inappropriate behavior age-appropriate?
I looked in my rearview mirror as my son sat silently in the back seat. He finally spoke up and said “Max* crumbled up my picture.” Earlier in the afternoon, he’d shown a few boys a tiny sketch he’d drawn, and Max had balled it up and thrown it aside.
A week later, I was hanging out with a friend who’s a child therapist. I asked if she thought I should say something to Max’s mom. She said, “What he did was mean, but that kind of behavior is normal for kids their age.” When kids mistreat one another, if the behavior is developmentally normal, it’s often best to stay out of it, especially if the kids are old enough to handle it themselves. If Max had bitten my son, that would’ve been different, as biting isn’t age-appropriate for 9-year-olds.
This topic is so tricky, we took it to the iMOM Podcast for a conversation. Listen to the episode “Confronting Another Mom About Her Child’s Bad Behavior” here and subscribe to get new episodes every Monday.
Filter 2: Are other people talking about it?
My friend received texts from three other moms before her daughter had even gotten in the car at pickup. “Did Hailey tell you what happened?” Apparently, her daughter, Hailey, had been cussed out by a boy at school, and there were plenty of witnesses who all agreed it was unwarranted. My friend said she felt it was right to talk to the boy’s mom. She said, “If a bunch of people were talking about my kid misbehaving, I wouldn’t want to be in the dark.”
The caveat to this one: Does the mom already know her child is causing problems and is working on it? If she has received calls from the school or other parents have confronted her already, your piling on probably won’t help.
Filter 3: Is there a genuine concern that the behavior could lead to a bigger issue?
My neighbor texted me to tell me her son had heard about sex from my son. Well, this is awkward… She said, “I just wanted you to know he brought it up in a conversation.” I appreciated her telling me because now I knew I needed to make sure he was being careful with his words and when he chose to say them. I also wanted to know what he knew, as we hadn’t yet had “the talk.”
If another child does or says something to yours that, if left unaddressed, could lead to a bigger problem, it’s right to say something to the other mom. Things like stealing, physical violence, showing inappropriate pictures, and cheating are all character-based issues. A mom needs to know if her child is toying with things that are immoral.
How to Talk to a Parent About a Child’s Bad Behavior
If you’ve run it through these filters and feel it’s right to say something, be sure you’ve taken time to cool off and consider where your heart is. Are you really concerned, or is there another motivation there?
No mother wants to hear her child has done something wrong, so expect that her reaction might be strong. The attitude you bring to the conversation is probably the most important factor. So go in with humility and kindness. I’d pray for wisdom and a spirit of friendship, too.
Have you ever had to confront another mom about her child’s behavior? Or has a mom confronted you?
*All kids’ names have been changed!
