It breaks my heart to say this, but a recurring comment we hear from women who read our marriage content is, “I’ve tried all of this, but he won’t change.” I can almost feel the weariness through the computer screen. They’re emotionally exhausted and maybe on the verge of experiencing walkaway wife syndrome.
The term “walkaway wife syndrome” was coined by journalist Paul Akers in a 1996 article in The American Enterprise. A walkaway wife is one who, after repeatedly voicing her concerns to her husband, emotionally checks out and is now “just done.” Maybe that describes you, but if you’re reading this article, I have to believe that you don’t want to be done. You want your marriage to work. If you think you might be developing walkway wife syndrome, here are 5 actions to take to avoid it.
1. Know the signs of walkaway wife syndrome.
I didn’t know it was called walkaway wife syndrome when I saw the signs in a friend of mine. Leading up to her telling her husband she wanted a divorce, she devoted more energy to her appearance, distanced herself from her husband, and spent less time at home. According to Marriage.com, some of the more subtle, internal changes in a wife include things like not caring that he doesn’t treat you well, not complaining or fighting anymore, disinterest in sex, confiding more in others, and emotional detachment.
Fortunately, my friend’s request to split knocked sense into her husband. They invested in intense counseling and are still married today. For you, knowing the signs could serve as an alarm that you’re heading toward a state of emergency and have to take more drastic measures before it’s too late.
2. Be clear about what you’re thinking and feeling.
Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW, says when a walkaway wife files for divorce, the husband is often shocked. He scrambles to try to make it work or says things like, “I just thought this was an issue we had. Not that she would leave me for it.”
Instead of throwing your hands up and mentally leaving the relationship, tell your husband that your level of frustration has led you to consider separating. Yes, there’s a chance he’ll ignore what you say, but at least he’ll know how you feel, and you’ll know you’ve put it all out there, giving him a chance to fight for your marriage.
3. Resist the temptation to develop an “exit strategy.”
Many frustrated wives say, “I’ll stay until the kids are out of the house,” even if that’s three or five years away. Then, because there’s an end in sight, their will to fight for their marriage dwindles. It’s the relationship version of short-timer’s syndrome. A friend who adopted this mindset in her marriage said it caused her to stop bringing stuff up to her husband or trying to make changes in her behavior.
If your marriage is struggling, surround yourself with friends who will help you stay committed to your husband and not people eager to help you pack your bags. A 2002 study found that two-thirds of unhappy adults who stayed together were happy five years later. Things change, so don’t give up.
To be clear, this “exit strategy” is not the same thing as needing a plan to remove yourself from an abusive situation.
4. Look for the good, and call it out.
You might be so fed up with your husband’s neglect or annoying behavior that the idea of doing something to “help” him makes you want to scream. But hear me out. When a woman is on the verge of walkaway wife syndrome, she’s often filled with bitterness and contempt because, at this point, she still cares. She hasn’t checked out yet.
Vast research by marriage expert Dr. John Gottman proves that contempt is a lethal blow to marriage. Instead, if you want to see change, look for any acts of love or service he shows and heap on the praise. When he makes the bed in the morning, instead of saying, “Now if you could only put your shoes away, that would be great,” say, “Thank you for making the bed. I appreciate it.” Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool in changing behavior, and as you look around for even the smallest acts of service, you might notice a shift in your attitude as well.
5. Pray for what’s best for him, not just for him to change.
I had a very candid conversation with a male friend about how his marriage survived his infidelity. He said, “My wife prayed for me, not as her husband, but as a friend and brother in Christ.” She shifted her mindset from what she wanted from him in their marriage to what she wanted for him as a person whose salvation she cared about.
I know this is hard, but try changing your prayer from “Lord, change my husband” to “Lord, bless my husband” or “I pray my husband knows he is loved by you.”
How can a woman reengage in her marriage after feeling walkaway wife syndrome?
