“I’m not good at sports.” “I’m terrible at math.” “I’m shy.” If your child is able to talk to you about her insecurities, you’re lucky. But if she doesn’t, and you suspect her inner voice isn’t very kind, it might be time to start building it up. Your child’s self-talk is so important for how she views herself and the world.
We all could use a kind inner voice, but we can give our kids a leg up by teaching them positive strategies now to boost their self-confidence and help them through common childhood struggles. Here are the 5 topics we need to work on with our kids so they develop a kind inner voice.
1. A Healthy Relationship With Food
“Once on the lips, forever on the hips.” Isn’t this statement terrible? It’s not a healthy message to send kids. How we talk to them about food becomes their inner voice. Now that my daughter’s a teen, I have to catch myself from speaking some of my own thoughts about food and calories out loud to her. I want her to have a healthy relationship with food, so I’m trying to avoid saying things like, “If you eat that donut, you’ll have to burn it off later on the field” and instead say, “It’s OK to have a donut, but it’s a special treat. Not an everyday thing.” That’s the message I want circling in her mind as she grows up.
2. An Appreciation for the Body
Last week, my son had to walk home from school. It was a bit of distance, but he was proud of himself. “Wow! You did it!” I said. “And carrying all those books. You’re really strong!” I tell my daughter she’s strong too when she comes home from swim practice. Appreciating what our bodies can do makes kids value them more.
Similarly, we should help kids appreciate what their bodies look like so they develop a kind inner voice. No matter what they see in their reflection, we should help them find a kind attitude toward their appearance. Help build them up with your words. As with food, what we say to our kids about their bodies matters.
3. A Willingness to Befriend Others
After my daughter’s best friend moved away, she felt alone and shy about making new friends. I wanted her to believe she had a lot of great qualities and others would be fortunate to have her as a friend, so I didn’t hesitate when the opportunity came up to tell her she was “so kind” or that “I had fun with you.” With your kids, don’t hold back on the great qualities you see in them to build them up. With enough confidence, they may eventually feel ready to reach out to others.
On the other hand, if my kid has a nice group of friends, I still want her to be open to others. Instead of “I have friends and don’t need any new ones,” it should be “I’d love to invite the new kid too.” At some point in their lives, they’ll be new too—in school, on a team, or at a job. Let’s encourage our kids to treat others the way they’d want to be treated in the same situation.
4. A Positive Attitude Toward Exercise and Athletics
Not everyone’s going to be an all-star athlete, but we can help our kids develop a positive inner voice toward exercise and sports. My niece Lily is a high school soccer player. She doesn’t start every game, but when she plays, she gives it her best. I like to use Lily as an example by pointing out her good attitude. “She has fun!” I don’t want my kids to view exercise as punishment or something to control calories. Rather, I want them to view exercise in a positive way to build strength and fitness.
A healthy attitude toward exercise and the belief that it’s for everyone can encourage kids to stay active throughout their lives. Start now to develop that positive inner voice that’ll keep them motivated.
5. A Growth Mindset Toward Academics
“It’s hard, but let’s keep working on it. You can do this,” I said to my daughter. I think all kids go through ups and downs with schoolwork and their confidence rises and falls with it. To keep their self-esteem from staying low, speaking words of encouragement to them helps. Psychologist Carol Dweck writes that “stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.”
Use statements such as these to encourage a kind inner voice toward academics in your kids: “Mistakes help you learn” and “You’ll get better with practice!”
What are some other messages we can send kids to help them develop a kind inner voice?
