Everything seems so perfect the day of a wedding. There is dancing, celebration, and the dream of a wonderful life together. Everyone expects the marriage to last forever. Then people get hurt, problems fester, or perhaps someone wanders into the arms of another. No couple expects that divorce will find their marriage or their home, and when there’s divorce and children are involved, it raises the stakes.
When you have kids, divorce is no longer just about getting through the difficult split. It’s about minimizing the collateral damage. No child wants to be part of a conversation like this, but there are ways to discuss divorce that will remind your kids that you and their dad love them. Here are 4 ways to talk about it and show love at the same time.
1. Discuss the divorce as a family.
The divorce discussion needs to happen as a family. Make sure everyone is present. You and your husband might not be unified as a couple, but you need to show your kids you’re unified as parents; this is a chance to do it. Being on the same page and respecting one another as you explain what is happening will speak volumes. Be sure to coordinate what should and shouldn’t be said. It may even be good to write down talking points. And both parents should talk, not just one.
2. Don’t call anybody a villain.
Put your hurt feelings aside, regardless of who cheated or who did what to whom. You can deal with all of that one-on-one. The focus when you’re explaining divorce to children is the children. Communicate whatever you can that will stabilize the situation. Any negative statement or attitude about your ex (or soon-to-be ex) throws the children in the middle—exactly where they don’t ever need to be.
3. Reassure the kids.
Their world is being jarred, so they will need a lot of reassurance. They’re going to feel scared about how life is going to change. Assure them of what will always stay the same: your love for them. They may blame themselves or a sibling. Make it clear that none of this is their fault. Also, list for them what you know isn’t changing; maybe they’re going to live full-time in one house, and they’re going to stay in the same school. The most important thing they need to know is that they still have two parents who love and will care for them.
4. Decide in advance which details to share.
Be prepared with a game plan of which details you want to share and which can wait until later. You don’t need to be detailed about the causes of your divorce. Keep it simple with general concepts because younger kids will be more black-and-white. Tweens will probably ask the most questions, while teenagers are more aware and probably will have seen it coming.
Divorce is still painful and hard to understand regardless of a child’s age. You don’t need to cover it all with one talk. And remember, the emotions are still raw for you two. Take time to heal before deciding what’s appropriate to share.
Divorce and children are a painful combination. How else can parents make the experience easier for their kids?
