Picking up my 10th grader from school often feels like triage as I quickly get a pulse on her day. And one day, I could tell it didn’t go well. “My friends kept calling me Horse Girl,” she said. Since she competed on an equestrian team, she was a horse girl, so I must have been missing something. “Did that bother you? How did you respond?” She answered, “I told them to stop because I didn’t like it. It’s not a nice thing to call someone.”
In that moment, I learned two things. 1. “Horse Girl” can be considered a derogatory name. 2. Our daughter put into practice something we’ve been working on with her: how to set boundaries with friends. It’s not easy. Even as adults, we struggle with it! So, here are some guidelines to help your teen recognize when boundaries with friends get crossed.
Understand the Basics: What are emotional boundaries, and why do they matter?
Emotional boundaries are the unspoken and spoken rules about how your teen treats someone and how she expects to be treated in return. For example, your teen is kind and encouraging to her friend who feels nervous about a test. Later, when your daughter experiences a similar situation, she expects her friend to act the same toward her. When her friend doesn’t, an emotional boundary gets crossed.
Setting and maintaining emotional boundaries is a healthy and necessary part of any friendship. When your teen learns how to communicate her emotional needs, expectations, and limits with her friends, she fosters open and honest communication and helps prevent misunderstandings. Ultimately, emotional boundaries empower your girl to take better care of her mental and emotional well-being while also nurturing good-for-her friendships.
What to Do When Your Teen’s Boundaries Get Crossed
Traveling between countries typically involves a checkpoint at the border. It’s a clear physical stop between where one country ends and another country begins. Emotional boundaries with friends don’t involve checkpoints, but they can involve gut checks. When a friend crosses a boundary, your daughter might experience physical symptoms, such a weight on her chest, a knot in her stomach, or tension.
Emotionally, your daughter might feel hurt, disrespected, disappointed, confused, or even fearful, when a friend crosses a boundary. And she might respond by pulling away from her friend, ignoring the situation, or even over-pursuing a relationship if it’s an unhealthy attachment. When a friend crosses a boundary, your daughter can tap into the power of the “I Statement” to let her friend know that it happened.
What to Do When Your Teen Crosses Boundaries
It’s not just your teen’s boundaries that get crossed, though. Sometimes your teen crosses an emotional boundary, too. When that happens, her friend might tell her or show in her expressions feelings of hurt, confusion, and disappointment–just like your teen does! In addition, her friend might pull away from the relationship, ghost your daughter, or cling tighter.
These behavioral clues can let your daughter know she may have crossed a boundary, whether intentionally or not. Emotional boundaries can easily get crossed in close relationships, especially as teens navigate the complexities of adolescence. However, that doesn’t mean the friendship needs to end or can never recover. It also doesn’t mean a boundary was crossed either! However, your daughter can open the door to understanding with this simple conversation starter, either in person or via text:
Something’s happened between us, and I just wanted to see if it was something I said or did. Can we talk about it?
Your teen isn’t responsible for how the other person answers. However, giving your daughter guidance on what to say can point her toward taking a step to right a wrong.
What do you do when someone crosses your emotional boundaries?
