When my kids were little, they had a bucketload of health concerns. I spent a lot of time seeing doctors, crying, and praying. And because of my constant worry for them, I struggled a bit with the part of parenting that included rules and consequences. If they did something naughty, I’d let them sit on my lap and kiss me and I’d forget about whatever they did wrong! This, however, made it easier for them to continue doing things they shouldn’t until I realized I’d become somewhat of a permissive parent.
If you’re a softie mom, you know we act out of love and don’t always think how our relaxed parenting choices can lead to problems down the road. But as a recovering softie mom, I’ve realized it’s never too late to make changes. There are 4 lessons I’ve learned as a formerly permissive parent that will improve your parenting and also get you better behavior.
1. Your child—and your relationship—can handle it.
When your child’s mad at you, it’s written all over him. If he’s not silently simmering with crossed arms, he’s making the windows rattle with his cries and protests. It’s frustrating (and sometimes heartbreaking) either way. No mom wants to make her kid angry.
But, as unsettling as it can be, I’ve learned that having a child who’s upset sometimes is part of life. We can’t be afraid of the pushback kids may make when we enforce rules or set boundaries. Yes, your child may call you a meanie and say he doesn’t like you, but try not to fear this reaction. Deep down, he craves knowledge of the world, of what’s acceptable, and of what’s expected of him. It’s your job to teach that. Your child will be better for it as he grows up, meets new people, and has new experiences. You may worry about your relationship with your child when these things happen, but you both can handle it. Rather than suffer, your relationship will grow stronger as he learns to trust and respect your judgment.
2. Your child will feel more safe and secure.
My seventh-grade daughter loves her science teacher because he keeps everyone in line. “If he catches someone chewing gum, he brings over the trash can and makes them spit it out.” On the other hand, she says her homeroom teacher lets the kids “go wild.” My daughter worries about that class: “I wish I didn’t have homeroom.”
Rules can be hard to enforce at home, especially when we love the offenders so much. But according to family psychologist Jennifer Hartstein, “Children need boundaries and limits to feel safe and secure. Despite what a child might say, these guardrails are good for them. By setting limits, parents teach kids important skills that will help them succeed in all areas of life.” A permissive parent doesn’t stick to rules. But a loving parent who understands rules’ importance does.
3. Your child benefits from chores and responsibilities.
At 18 months, my daughter lifted a heavy dinner plate from the dishwasher. For a split second, I thought, Aw, how cute! She wants to help! Then it slipped from her tiny hand and landed on her big toe. Crack. (Not the plate.)
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology, “Children who do chores may exhibit higher self-esteem, be more responsible, and be better equipped to deal with frustration, adversity, and delayed gratification. These skills can lead to greater success in school, work, and relationships.” So, even if your kid gripes about them, by enforcing chores, you’re really doing what’s best for her and you’re setting her up for a bright future. (Just wait until kids are at least 3 years old!)
4. Disobedience happens less.
“When this show’s over, you need to turn it off,” I told my kids last week, then backed out of room. Twenty minutes later, I stood up, put my hand on the doorknob, and listened. Too often in the past, they’ve snuck another episode because they knew I could be a permissive parent. But I’ve been trying to hold them accountable more often. This time, as the opening music started for the next episode, my son said, “We have to turn it off.” I couldn’t believe it. It gave me the encouragement I needed to keep at it.
If kids know there will be consequences when they misbehave, they’re going to think twice. If you refuse to be a permissive parent and instead stay on top of the rules you set, your kids will become more honest and trustworthy. It takes effort, but it’s worth it when your kid’s 10 or 15 and he’s known as a rule-follower.
How can a permissive parent make changes that’ll stick?
