Do you think you’re just a mom who parents her kids? Oh no, my friend. You could be a tiger mom, a lawnmower mom, a helicopter mom… You could practice free-range parenting or positive parenting or who knows what. We’ve put a lot of labels on ourselves over the past several years, trying to adopt or avoid things we’ve learned. Well, now another phrase is floating around the momosphere: gentle parenting.
I have to admit, the first time I heard the term, I rolled my eyes. The name feels very “sweetie, you know we don’t throw the cat.” But the more I learned about gentle parenting, the more I realized I could get on board—even as a mom who considers herself strict. Here are the basics of gentle parenting so you can decide if it’s right for you.
Gentle Parenting Basics
Gentle parenting stems from the attachment parenting method for infants. For toddlers and older, gentle parenting encourages moms and dads to recognize the stage their children are in and provide them with tools to recognize emotions and respond properly. Another way to sum up this parenting style might be to describe what it’s not: the strict father of decades ago. What he says goes, and his children need to meet his expectations regardless of their needs or desires.
My older son is big for his age. At four, he looked six and he’s always the tallest kid in his class. My husband (my son’s step-father) constantly had to remind himself that my son’s behavior was normal for his age. When you practice gentle parenting, you observe your child’s behavior in light of the stage he or she’s in, empathize, and address it in a way that makes sense to the child, not a child who’s two or three years older.
Pros of Gentle Parenting
One of the best things about gentle parenting is that it teaches kids how to partner with their parents to be good human beings. Instead of just responding to instructions, threats, or rewards, they are finding their place in a relationship, a family, and ultimately a community.
If more rules and restrictions don’t feel like the right fit for your family, you’ll appreciate the nuance of this parenting style. Gentle parenting still involves discipline in the sense that discipline means to teach, but it doesn’t use classic punishments. Gentle parenting doesn’t focus on punishment or rewards because, as advocates argue, they override a child’s natural inclination to try.
I recently had a conversation with my older son about lying and explained that when he lies, he makes it difficult for us to give him privileges and responsibilities. If we can’t trust him in the small things, then how will we trust him in the big things? The hope is that next time he’s faced with the choice to lie or tell the truth, he’ll choose more wisely.
Cons of Gentle Parenting
If you just read about the lying issue and questioned whether this parenting style will actually lead to a well-behaved child, you’ve identified one of the criticisms of gentle parenting. What if your child doesn’t have the inner motivation to choose age-appropriate good behavior? The answer: Gentle parenting takes consistency and a lot of patience.
Another con of gentle parenting is that to be done properly, it requires a parent who has addressed and worked through her own anxieties or insecurities. Truly, you have to monitor your own behavior as much as, if not more than, your child’s. Personally, I found this part to be eye-opening. I’m anxious about my children not succeeding in school, so I tend to overreact about grades. When I can step away from my insecurities, it helps me see my whole child instead of just his report card. Then I can be more gentle and proactive in my responses.
The Verdict
There’s a lot to gentle parenting. It’s definitely not for everyone, but before you write it off, check out Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s The Gentle Parenting Book: How to Raise Calmer, Happier Children from Birth to Seven. Even if you don’t fully adopt the practice, there are definitely parts that can help you become a more empathetic, relational mom.
Gentle parenting boils down to empathy, understanding, and respect. Do you think you could get on board? Why or why not?
