“I’m sorry, Mrs. Brink, but your son has to understand that he can’t stay in the class if he’s going to hit. He can try again next week,” the Sunday school teacher said with a reproving look at my 4-year-old son, who grunted and buried his face into my legs. I looked down at him, trying to figure out what to do next. As we started to walk down the hallway, hot tears flooded my eyes. Oh my gosh…My kid is the kid who hits people. Where were we supposed to go for the next 45 minutes of church? And what kind of mom was I if I couldn’t teach him to behave around other people?
If you have a child who isn’t liked by others, hits, or hurts others, or if you or your child feel alienated because of the season you’re in, there is hope! From someone who has survived it, I can vouch that you will both make it. Here are 4 things to remember to help you and your child to get through it.
1. All kids have their ugly moments, not just yours.
A couple of years after the Sunday school incident, I remember admitting to a group of moms (after we had all had a glass of wine) that my son had been kicked out for hitting. I was shocked at their responses! They started sharing their own embarrassing stories of how their kids did awful things! Man, I wish I would have heard those stories back when it originally happened. It would have helped to know my child wasn’t the only one.
Practical Application: Consider sharing your struggle with another mom (or group) you trust. When you feel like people don’t like your child, it might just be you projecting fear that your family is the only one struggling with this particular behavior. But trust me, you’re not alone.
2. A great weakness can later become a great strength.
When my son was at his peak of getting in trouble for being physical, I remember crying to my sister. She said, “I see him differently though. He’s like a little Superman. He has great strength, and he will learn how to use it one day.” I never forgot those words. I thought, Maybe, just maybe he will. Now, at age 12, the only time he thinks about hitting is on the ball field. This intense kid I could barely wrestle into a car seat is now a great athlete, and I believe God designed him that way. It’s so rewarding that it brings tears to my eyes just writing this. Your rewarding days are coming too.
Practical Application: Take your child’s current challenging qualities and flip them to be something positive in the future. Say, “I see that you are very _____ (strong, feisty, persistent, etc.). I can’t wait to see how you use that someday, maybe as a ______ (lawyer, athlete, teacher, etc.)”
3. Slow and steady wins the race.
It may seem like your child is not improving, but I guarantee that he is. If you’re like me, you may be wishing the progress could be a little more visible (and faster, please)! But most of the time, when a person grows, it’s slowly. And that might be the healthiest way anyway. Remember the fable of The Tortoise and the Hare? The tortoise won the race in the end, one slow step at a time. That is your kiddo! So stick with it, and don’t ever think you aren’t making a difference in your child, because you are.
Practical Application: The next time you’re tempted to throw up your hands in frustration, tell yourself, “Slow and steady wins the race.” The progress might be messy and slow, but it’s still progress.
4. There are people out there who understand.
When my son started playing sports, I watched in awe as he wrestled with the other boys after practice one day. No one was getting hurt, and they were all being rough! Hallelujah! For the first time, he seemed “normal.” And the moms “got” me too—we had similar experiences parenting these rough-and-tumble boys. It was a breath of fresh air.
Practical Application: If you keep having conflicts with a certain friend or group, allow yourself to step away from (or cut down on) getting together with them. It’s only stressing you out and possibly your child too! Find kids and parents you gel with at this stage of life. If you have a neurodivergent child, looking for friends who understand might not be so simple. But support groups where your child can play with kids of parents who get what daily life is like will provide a breath of fresh air.
What has helped you or your child get through a difficult phase?
