Have you ever been in the middle of a back and forth with your child and realized you’re being talked back to? For me, I often don’t realize it until my husband steps in to say, “Did you hear your mother?” I don’t want my home to run like a military school, but when my kids constantly talk back to me and challenge my authority, I grow weary and frustrated. So do the best of moms.
When your kids are back talking, you’ll do just about anything to get them to stop. Pinpointing the type of back talk that your child most often engages in can help you diagnose the underlying problem and show your child how to communicate with respect. Check out these 4 types of back talkers. I bet your child fits in one of these categories. Once you figure out which one, you’ll have a better idea of how to address and stop it.
1. The Impulsive Back Talker
This is the child who just says whatever he thinks without stopping to consider the consequences. This trait of impulsiveness may cause him problems in other relationships outside the home, as he may say things that hurt and alienate friends, cause classroom disruptions at school, and create problems all around.
Try this! Ask your child to count to five and say things in his head first to consider how it will be received, and if it’s a good idea. Learning to take that brief pause may save him from saying things to you or others that he doesn’t really mean. Parents of children diagnosed with ADHD often struggle with this issue.
2. The On and On Back Talker
This is the child who just needs to have the “last word.” She doesn’t want to concede that the struggle for what she wants is over, and continuing the debate forever is her way of keeping hope alive. In reality, continuing to argue her position after you’ve made a final decision is a challenge to your authority as a parent, and is, at the heart of it all, disobedience. Therefore, it must be treated as such.
Try this! Lay the ground rules with your child in a moment when there’s no immediate conflict, and make it clear that once you’ve ruled that the discussion is over, it is over—and failure to recognize that will have consequences.
3. The Tired Back Talker
In the land of overscheduled children, this is a more common type of back talk. It stems from a child’s fatigue, which compromises his impulse control and emotional balance. Over-tired children often lose the ability to be rational or understanding about anything, and the result is a kid who will argue with a fencepost (often while crying).
Try this! As a parent, you can do a lot to remedy this situation by making sure your children get adequate sleep every night, and that their schedules aren’t so packed as to wear them down. Your best bet when you have a weepy, tired back talker on your hands is to recognize the situation for what it is and address it systemically, while at the same time reminding your child that this behavior—no matter how tired he is—is inappropriate and won’t be tolerated.
4. The Disrespectful Back Talker
This type of child isn’t simply asking for an explanation of your position. This child says rude, disrespectful things and openly challenges your authority. Under no circumstances does it benefit you or your child to let this go on without serious consequences. This type of disrespect completely undermines the parent/child relationship and is a pathway to other types of rebellion and defiance.
Try this! It calls for swift consequences, every time. Almost as important as what you do in response is what to avoid. Don’t engage by stooping to their level of name-calling and disrespect. Simply saying that “I will not allow you to speak to me that way” will shut down the conversation without engaging.
How do you handle it when your kids talk back?
