“Do the kids want to walk to school together?” my friend Nell texted a group of us. One by one, the other moms gave a thumbs-up. My daughter liked the idea too. “You sure?” I asked her. I’d miss our time together in the morning, but I knew it’d be good for her now that she was a big middle schooler. I gave Nell a thumbs-up too because parenting a middle schooler required a little more trust on my part.
We might feel a bit nervous as our kids transition from elementary to middle school. It can even feel bittersweet because the truth is, they’re growing up. But if you want to maintain a strong connection to your child while simultaneously respecting her budding independence, try incorporating these 5 strategies for parenting a middle schooler.
1. Celebrate your child’s strengths.
When my son got to middle school, I tried to help him find a sport he loved. I didn’t realize until high school that all along he loved music more than sports. I was too focused on sports, probably because I was an athlete growing up. I mistakenly thought he had to have his sport too.
What drives your kid? Be careful not to let your own interests cloud your vision. Let him lead. If he loves gaming, look into coding or robotics classes. If he’s a social butterfly, explore theater classes. In middle school, kids start to question themselves more, so allow them to go with their strengths to build confidence. As author and counselor Phyllis L. Fagell writes, your relationship “will take a hit if you fixate on deficits.” Instead, love your child for who he is.
2. Show interest in her life.
“What did you and your friends do at lunch?” I asked my daughter. I learned that in middle school, the kids had more choices about what to do after they finished eating. “We played volleyball outside!” she said. She told me who’d been in a circle with her bumping the ball around.
Parenting a middle schooler is new territory because kids start to show more interest in spending time with peers. But it’s not time to check out. Having a close relationship with your child is still important to continue teaching your family’s values and to prepare your child for the future. Fagell says, “When you demonstrate genuine curiosity” about what’s going on in your child’s life, and what she’s interested in, “you’re more likely to establish a strong connection.”
3. Challenge stereotypes.
I’d wrongly assumed my son needed to excel at a sport to feel good about himself. There are other stereotypes that we should challenge as well. With social media becoming more prevalent in tweens’ lives, we should remind our kids that many reels, videos, and images they see are doctored. And they don’t tell the whole story. If you have a child who thinks she has to look a certain way or be perfect in all she does, “find and share realistic images,” Fagell says. Influencers (or your kid’s peers!) often put hours into creating a slice of life they want to show the world. But most of the time, these clips don’t reflect reality.
Talk to your middle schooler about what you really like about him—his kindness toward his sister, his diligence with schoolwork, his strong faith. Focusing more on his character can help shift the focus off perfecting an image and more toward being true to himself.
4. Be careful what messages you send.
One mom trap to be wary of when parenting a middle schooler is worrying about what others think of our children. It’s natural to want them to fit in and be liked. But what messages are we sending our kids about their appearance?
What you say matters. In middle school, kids worry more about their bodies, their weight, and generally, how they look. Your words will become their inner voice now and years from now. “You’re a natural beauty. You don’t need makeup.” “You have a strong body that can do amazing things.” Criticize less. Build her up more.
5. Loosen control but stay nearby.
“Why don’t you and Nora walk over to the park?” I knew they’d be fine without me. A little independence would also bolster my daughter’s confidence. “Be back in an hour, OK?” Stepping back a little more tells your child you trust her judgement and her ability to do things without you.
Middle schoolers aren’t little kids anymore, so let’s not treat them like it. If we communicate we believe in them, they’re more apt to believe in themselves. Stay current on her friendships and what’s happening in her life, but allow her to start making more decisions and do more problem-solving for herself. This will help your middle schooler develop the self-assurance she needs as she grows into her own person.
What’s your favorite part of parenting a middle schooler?
