If you have a challenging child, you often spend more time disciplining and talking about behavior than having fun. Lying in bed, reflecting on the day, you sometimes wonder why your kid isn’t easier like your friend’s kid. You ask yourself, “What am I doing wrong?”
Some days are just not going to be as fun with a challenging child. You love her just as much as her siblings. But you just wish things were easier. To help you in those long, trying days, here are 3 ways to cope with a child who has a difficult temperament.
1. Know that just because your child is difficult, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.
My out-of-state friend and I had a long catch-up call the other night. I hadn’t seen her boys since my family moved almost a decade ago. Her younger son, Malachi, had been a baby back then. “He’s a holy terror now,” she said. “Nothing like his serious, studious big brother. He wears me out with his energy and his quick temper.” As I listened, I tried to imagine the older one acting this way but couldn’t. “Malachi’s just more difficult. But I tell my husband, it can’t be entirely our fault because one of our kids turned out OK!” There’s some truth to that.
According to Kimberly Drake at PsychCentral, “[H]aving a difficult temperament does not mean that there’s something ‘wrong’ with your child or your parenting style or that you are a ‘bad’ parent.” If your child is more withdrawn, has trouble adapting to change, is more negative, or described as being “a handful,” it may just be his or her personality. However, if you find that the challenging behavior is consistent over time, you might want to talk to your pediatrician to determine whether your child has a difficult temperament or something more serious like a developmental disorder.
2. Being thoughtful and consistent with your child goes a long way.
One morning, I stood outside the school, chatting with another mom. She said her middle child, whom we’ll call Jasmine, gives her a run for her money on a regular basis. “I don’t worry about the other two. But Jasmine’s always getting in trouble at school and she’s the one I have to discipline most at home.” She paused, took a breath, and continued: “But she’s my social butterfly. Almost every night, she’s out playing with the neighborhood kids. She’s just… difficult.”
Approximately one in five children are born with difficult temperaments according to educator Karen Stephens. These children may be intense, inflexible, easily distracted, overly sensitive, and more. If you have a difficult child, you probably spend more time nagging, pleading, bribing, or arguing with him than you might with another child.
But Stephens says there’s hope. Children who have “a difficult temperament do require extra time, guidance, and patience. But all children can be raised to be well-adjusted people with positive self-esteem.” Your parenting reality is that you’ll work harder parenting this child than your other ones. But being thoughtful with your words and consistent with discipline will help turn your child’s difficult behavior around. It may take you the duration of his childhood, but with effort, he will some day be a well-adjusted adult.
3. A child with a difficult temperament often responds well to empathy.
A difficult child requires so much more attention and energy than an easy-going child. No mom is perfect, and we all lose our cool at times, but a difficult child just tests your patience so much more. It then becomes a vicious, negative cycle between you and your child, leaving her feeling discouraged and hopeless about whether she can ever do anything right in your eyes.
Having a child with a difficult temperament or who’s going through a difficult phase can be frustrating. You may feel judged by other moms and more exhausted than your friends. For a period of time, parenting may not be fun. But hang in there. There’s something you can do to flip the behavior and create an in-the-moment change in your child: empathize.
Instead of yelling, give your child words of empathy: “I’m sorry your teacher had you stay inside for recess and do math work.” Avoid saying “but you have to” or “but you need to.” Just empathize in the moment. Validate how she feels: “It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to be sad.” You may not feel like it, but instead of arguing or criticizing your child, try opening your arms for an embrace. Your difficult child may respond well to hugs and touch. And you may be surprised with the change you see in that instant—and going forward.
How do you parent a child with a difficult temperament?
