Do you know a “we’ve-tried-everything” kid? I do. It’s my neighbor’s son, Michael. His parents have told me they’re at their wits’ ends trying to figure out how to change his bad behavior. They took away video games when he talked back. When he broke the window, they took money from his piggy bank. They made him write a letter apologizing to his teacher after cheating on a test. Nothing has worked.
“We’ve tried everything,” his mom, Alyssa, told me. I was thinking about all the things I’ve heard and written about changing a child’s bad behavior, and I’m fairly certain Alyssa and her husband have attempted most of them. So, I went on a hunt and found one thing that maybe they haven’t tried. Some claim it’s the number one change we should make as parents.
We need to change the belief that it’s our job to get rid of misbehavior.
Ralphie Jacobs of Simply on Purpose says, “No one ever asks ‘What do I do when my kids are behaving well?’” I laughed when I read that. It reminded me of how I don’t dare interrupt when my sons are playing together nicely in their room.
But “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” doesn’t work with kids. Positive behavior in children has to be accentuated if we expect negative behavior to be reduced. As parents, we need to stop making it our goal to undo the bad and instead focus on growing the good.
Because 85% of the energy in our homes is used to correct weaknesses.
Think about that statistic. If that’s true for you, and you have 100 interactions with your child, about 85 remind him what he’s doing wrong. Only 15 are left for praise, encouragement, and bonding.
Imagine how different the tone in your home would be even if you adjusted this to 50%. I thought about Michael and wondered if this would work for my neighbors.
The first step is to look for the good.
You might be so frustrated with your son or daughter’s behavior that you can’t think of the last time he or she did something praiseworthy, but even “bad” kids have good moments. What comes to mind is the time I ran into Alyssa and Michael at the grocery store.
Michael was opening a bag of cereal to sneak a bite while Alyssa and I chatted. Alyssa caught him and told him to put the bag back in the box. He did it without being told a second time. Praiseworthy moment number one! Then he stood quietly while we talked about a coupon we were both using. Moment number two! Positive behavior in children warrants just as much attention as negative. When your connections are positive, it makes the child want to come back for more. When they’re negative, it makes him want to push away. I know I’m absolutely guilty of getting this wrong, but awareness is the first step toward change, right?
Then add, don’t take away.
In a perfect world, noticing good behavior would be a key that unlocks a vault, releasing the angel child who’s been hiding inside your “we’ve-tried-everything” kid. But because they’re kids, they need our help to think through choices and related consequences.
We want to add good choices, not simply take away bad ones. If your child speaks to you with an attitude that makes you feel disrespected, words that take away would be, “Don’t speak to me that way.” Words that add, or give tools, would be, “Can you try that again in a more polite way?”
And remember the goal.
This definitely isn’t a magic wand that’s going to fix your child overnight, but remember—that’s not the goal. Sure, you want to stop yelling and you want the window not to get broken again, but having obedient children isn’t the purpose of parenting. The purpose is to provide your children with love, direction, and a safe place to grow into the wonderful people you know they are. If you focus your energy on their positive behavior, you’ll be drawn closer together, which is a much easier place to parent from.
How much of the energy in your home is dedicated to correcting weaknesses?
